I’ve won! I think. What’s the Euro Lottery?

January 22, 2017

I’m thinking about retiring to a Caribbean island. It’s so within my price range — now that I’ve won the Euro Raffle. Does anyone happen to know how many Corvettes 2 million euros is worth? Anyway, I’m considering offering asylum on my island to the Nigerian ambassador who barely escaped a coup with the $43 million from the royal family’s treasury that he wants to hide in my bank account. For safe keeping. Because I’m honest. Oh, and I’ll get a bit of a commission for my trouble. All I need to do is send the ambassador my full name, address and bank account number. ...

Can’t do? Just make do

January 15, 2017

Making do is what I do best. I see no reason to bog myself down doing things the so-called “right way” when “making do” accomplishes the same thing with far less frustration. Besides, folks usually find fault no matter what. So if the easy road and the hard road both drive you to the same destination — Complaints City — why not choose the less troublesome route and enjoy the ride? Oh sure, when an errant car damaged a panel on the garage door, I could have gone through all the anxiety and inconvenience of dismantling the door, measuring out an exactly-matching pane, ...

January filled with cake, squirrels, kazoos

January 8, 2017

If there ever was time for Ma in her kerchief and I in my cap to settle down for a long winter’s nap, it’s January. Unfortunately, my bosses — as so often occurs — hold a differing viewpoint. So I do my best to shrug off bed covers and doldrums and face January as if it were full of wild, wonderful and weird celebrations. As it turns out, it is. Did you know National Kazoo Day, Chocolate Cake Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day are all celebrated in January? According to HolidayInsights.com and HolidaysCalendar.com, here’s some of the drudgery-busting fun the month has to ...

I’m bugged by cures for the common cold

January 1, 2017

Nothing attracts a swarm of friends braced with sure-fire home remedies than the common cold. You can’t even sniffle without some junior scientist rushing to your side to test her latest concoctions and theories. “Quick, burn this turmeric and inhale the smoke. Clears those sniffles right up.” “Can I start the fire with this rate card for my 2017 insurance premiums? It’s why I was crying.” The truth is I’m welcoming the new year with a dastardly cold, complete with sneezing, coughing, congestion, achy joints and fevers. In short, I’ve become a veritable playground for ...

Sock it to the Christmas wish list

December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas! My wish for you is that as you read this, we both are wearing soft, warm socks that we plucked from beneath the tree this morning. That’s either a sign that I’ve learned a less materialistic meaning of Christmas or that I’ve given up on ever receiving the G.I. Joe “The Shark’s Surprise” adventure set, which includes sea sled, frogman suit, spear gun, treasure chest and shark. I’ve been waiting since 1969. Back then, the adventure set cost what my parents considered the outrageous price of $6.97. I didn’t get the set. Nearly 50 years later, I suspect my ...

Santa Claus must really be a woman

December 18, 2016

My sister snatched away the fancy fork I’d been twirling on the table, refolded the green cloth napkin, and realigned the silverware into perfect rows, just like it had been when I ambled into her house. “Santa Claus has to be a woman.” I held the holly-rimmed water glass up to my eye like a telescope and peered at Martha. “Why do you say that?” “Organization.” She yanked the glass away from my face, ran it into the kitchen and bustled back with a different glass. She set it on the table by the candlesticks, just out of my reach. “Trying to set up a family holiday ...