Everybody’s talking about the weather …

February 26, 2017

One of the greatest quotes ever uttered about life in northeast Ohio is this: “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.” Never has a philosophical platitude proved to be so true. And perplexing. I am writing this column two hours after my wife and I took a lovely spring walk on Thursday. Friday, the forecast called for a summery 70 degrees. But by the time these words roll off the presses Sunday, snow again will blanket the ground. It is still February in northeast Ohio, after all. As I pawed through my closet trying to figure out what to wear (Flannel shirt? Shorts? ...

Brain fog’s morning musings

February 19, 2017

I am not at my mental best in the morning. Actually, I’ve never been at my mental best, but mornings rank even lesser best than my normal less best. See what I mean? It’s morning. Even if a proper thought tries to latch onto my brain, it slides off in the shower suds and gurgles down the drain. Here’s a sampling of actual brain-fogged morning musings: * Finding a fountain of youth might be nice, but do I really want to be Archie? Archie and the gang have been teenagers since World War II. They’ve lived Groundhog’s Day lives since 1941 — Archie goes ga-ga over Betty and ...

Ice cream: Science says it’s what’s for breakfast

February 12, 2017

I’ve championed ice cream for breakfast for years. “But why can’t I have a banana split this morning, Mom? Bananas are fruit. Ice cream’s got milk. Eggs, too, I think. And chocolate’s made from beans. It’s healthy.” “Shut up and eat your oatmeal, kid.” Mom wasn’t terribly cheerful when slammed by the logic of four kids before her morning tea. Now science claims I’m even more brilliant than I knew. A professor at Kyorin University in Mitaka, Japan, says eating ice cream right after waking up can improve alertness and mental performance. The university compared ...

PA systems crackle memories of principal’s office

February 5, 2017

Before the PA system’s final crackle, I’d burrowed beneath the table. “Will Burton Cole please come to the front desk. Burton Cole, please come to the front desk.” I whimpered, and perhaps sucked my thumb a second or two. I might be 40 years removed from the cold, steel door of the principal’s office, but my name sizzling over a loudspeaker still freezes my insides into a Burt-cicle. Fright always shook my frame when my name squawked over the school speaker. I’d be doodling the Batman logo with fangs in my notebook when PA static sliced right though the teacher’s droning ...

Not every dad has Powers

February 1, 2017

Today my dad celebrates his 82nd birthday, and I think it’s high time that he shared his greatest secret with me — Dad Powers. When I was kid, I couldn’t wait to grow into Dad Powers. My firstborn filled the crib with howls and giggles more than 28 years ago. Now she’s a fully licensed adult with an impressive array of her very own Mom Powers. I’m still waiting for my Dad Powers to develop. My dad could do anything. Still can. Sometimes, we kids couldn’t get the lawnmower to start. We’d yank and pull and kick and punch. And then we’d do some of the same stuff to ...

Senior discount doesn’t match how old he feels

January 29, 2017

It happened again. “That cost less than I expected.” The pretty young fast-food clerk never bothered to glance my way as she handed over the receipt. “Your order number is 22.” I slipped off my bifocals and squinted at the receipt to find the pricing error. There it was. The words printed at the bottom of the bill stated “Senior Discount.” I raised my head to object but the kid behind the counter was too busy mooning at the next customer, some youngster with a tattoo. I shrugged and limped — the ol’ arthritis acting up again — to the pickup line. “She could have ...