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I'm thinking about retiring to a Caribbean island. It's so within my price range -- now that I've won the Euro Raffle.
Does anyone happen to know how many Corvettes 2 million euros is worth?
Anyway, I'm considering offering asylum on my island to the Nigerian ambassador who barely escaped a coup with the $43 million from the royal family's treasury that he wants to hide in my bank account. For safe keeping. Because I'm honest. Oh, and I'll get a bit of a commission for my trouble.
All I need to do is send the ambassador my full name, address and bank account number. It's simple.
"It's crazy," my wife said. "You can't be serious."
"Why would the deposed ambassador lie?"
Terry shook her head. "Why would you fall for that line?"
"Speaking of falling," I said, "did you know that you're married to a dashing, desirable man?"
"Who?"
"Me. Look at this email. There are a dozen Russian women who want to meet me. Last week, it was Japanese women. I never realized what an international sensation I'd become. I wondered how the ambassador heard of me. Probably one of the Nigerian woman eager to meet me let it slip."
Terry rolled her eyes.
I scrolled through my email. "Ah, I think I know why the money from the ambassador hasn't arrived yet. Here's a notice from FedEx: 'We cannot deliver your parcel arrived at January 19.' Hmm. It seems I need to send them some personal information so they can get the package to me."
"Or," Terry said, "they could leave it at the door like the REAL FedEx always does."
"You don't trust these emails?"
"You do?"
I scrolled further. "I don't have time to argue. I need to take care of this right away."
"What?"
"According to this, an unauthorized user tried to access my Wells Fargo account, so the bank froze the account until I send them all my numbers and passwords to verify who I am."
Terry nodded. "That sounds just like what happened last week with your Navy Federal savings. Is that still blocked?"
I threw up my hands. "I can't find my account numbers and passwords to send to them."
"Maybe," she said, "it's because you never had a Navy Federal account. Or Wells Fargo, for that matter."
"Oh." I paused. "So … I didn't win the Euro Raffle?"
"There is no Euro Raffle."
"I guess that's why I don't remembering entering it. What about the ambassador? Is he going to be OK?"
"There is no…" Terry patted my hand. "Yes, dear, he's going to be fine. He and the Russian women picked up the cash at FedEx and dropped it off in another Wells Fargo account. It's safe."
"Oh, good." I closed the laptop. "I was worried about him. He seemed like such a nice guy."
"By the way," she said. "I just received a notice that our gasoline card payment is overdue. Didn't you pay that online?"
"Oh, that." I laughed. "You know how people are always trying to scam you out of money. I deleted it."
"What!"
"Yeah. Besides, I needed the money for the time share. It's going to be great."
Terry started to cry.
Educate Cole at bcole@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.