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Burton Cole column

If you were an animal, would you have fleas?

If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be? That has to be one of the worst job interview questions ever, right up there with if you were a tree what kind of tree would you be? Listen, if you’re hiring a proboscis monkey to run the drill press or a maple sapling to drive a tow ...

As I told Elvis the other day, I remember it well

The scene is imprinted in my memory in full Kodachrome color. There I was, hoofing it at a pretty good pace on my daily 10-mile run, when suddenly out of the woods burst a ... No, wait. That was somebody else. I know it wasn’t me because I haven’t run a roll of Kodachrome in years. Or ...

Do you hear what irksome thing I hear?

Bouncing my leg. Clicking my pen. Breathing. These are just a few of my favorite things that repeatedly annoy my wife’s low tolerance for noise. Terry has sensitive ears. Mine barely work. No, that’s not true. Terry has a very soft voice. And the volume control on our TV and CD player ...

What happened to the simple things of life that I knew how to work?

Before I became a fossil, I used to be able to do things. That was before young punk kids improved simple tasks, complicating them beyond human capability. Or beyond mine. When I was a kid, we turned on the black-and-white TV by actually turning a knob. That’s why it’s called “turning ...

Don’t tell me I’m growing up!

It’s finally come to this. I tried to deny it. Ignore it and it will go away. La, la, la, la, I can’t hear you. Despite my best Peter Pan efforts, it happened anyway. I fear that I am growing up. I pondered this while sipping my wife’s coffee. That’s when I knew. For more than 60 ...