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Nothing attracts a swarm of friends braced with sure-fire home remedies than the common cold. You can't even sniffle without some junior scientist rushing to your side to test her latest concoctions and theories.
"Quick, burn this turmeric and inhale the smoke. Clears those sniffles right up."
"Can I start the fire with this rate card for my 2017 insurance premiums? It's why I was crying."
The truth is I'm welcoming the new year with a dastardly cold, complete with sneezing, coughing, congestion, achy joints and fevers. In short, I've become a veritable playground for junior scientists and, I suspect, a couple of practical jokers. I'd barely started hacking when armchair experts insisted that I rub Vicks VapoRub on my toes, whiff thieves oil, drop mustard oil in my nostrils, wear garlic around my neck and drink tea laced with honey and ginger.
"Can't I just drink ginger ale and chow down a bowl of Honey Smacks instead?"
"Of course not, silly. Sugar and milk are bad. Here, gargle with this salt water."
It's your cold but everyone else latches onto your misery so they can fix it -- and add a half dozen new symptoms along the way. I'm willing to try the organic honey and red onion cough syrup, but believe me, any cure that includes raspberries, cranberries or beets will send me into spitting fits.
I have one friend who wants to rush over a gallon of chicken noodle soup any time she hears me clear my throat. A co-worker wants to keep halved onions lying about the room. One buddy worked the word "zinc" into the conversation anytime he thought I sounded congested.
"I'm not congested; I'm asleep," I grumbled. "You keep waking me up."
Apparently, you're not supposed to doze during staff meetings. Anyway, he's moved on from the zinc craze to advocate chicken feathers dipped in soy sauce or grasshoppers slathered in mayonnaise or something like that. I'm not sure. I slept through the explanation.
The other night, I stood stymied in front of the cough drop display. "Let's see, those have honey. Terry said honey is the only thing to use. Those have echinacea. Daryl swears by echinacea. Those have…"
A woman pushing a cart down the aisle overheard me. "What you need is essential steam."
"As opposed to trivial steam?"
"No. Put a few drops of essential oils like tea tree, eucalyptus and peppermint into boiling water. The steam will clear you up in no time."
I grimaced. "How about if we just dump hot chocolate mix into the boiling water?"
She stomped away. But it turns out that I was right -- sorta.
According to Wikipedia, the Internet encyclopedia written by anyone with access to a computer, "Recent studies have found that theobromine, a compound found in cacao, is more effective as a cough suppressant than prescription codeine. This compound suppresses the 'itch' signal from the nerve in the back of the throat that causes the cough reflex." And dark chocolate has up to 10 times more cacao than milk chocolate.
I have no idea if it works. But anytime a friend offers another miracle cure, I just pop another dark chocolate Hershey's Kiss in my mouth and smile. I'm still sniffling, but I sure feel better.
— Ask Cole for more chocolate cures at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. Wear a surgical mask -- he's still coughing.