How do I love thee? Let me write the ways

February 8, 2015

Because I am a fully licensed professional writer, a veritable master of verbs, nouns and hyperbole, it is only reasonable that my wife receive a well-crafted love letter now and again. With Valentine’s Day bearing down on us faster than the speed of light (to use a hyperbole — or possibly a cliche), I figure it’s time to sling some sentimental sentences of swoon. Something like... Roses are red, Violets are blue, My name is Burton, And I truly love you. Sigh. That’s the problem. Like a lot of guys, I stink at love letters. I don’t mean we’re slightly off-base. ...

Bulldozer is best friend for home repairs

January 25, 2015

I once heard a man claim he finished a home repair project on time and without a hitch. Later, I regretted laughing like a loon at a man so obviously suffering delusions. It’s like that sinking feeling you get when a favorite uncle claims aliens beamed him to their spaceship, unzipped his skin, put it back on him backwards, then beamed him home. It’s sad to witness a once-lucid loved one losing a grip on reality. I never met a home improvement project that turned out to be simple. The how-to guys make it sound as easy as baking a cake. But when the boxed mix says bake for 35 ...

Get fit until the cows come home

January 18, 2015

Getting fit used to be easy. I’d jam on shredded Keds and spend the day with my brothers and cousins climbing trees, playing baseball in rutted fields, and diving into barns and sheds for games of hide-and-seek / sneak attack. Oh, and we slung beat-up buckets of water and loaded pitchforks at chore time. It’s amazing how toned tossing manure can make a kid. So I figure I’m not fit now because I don’t have any cows. Also, my metabolism conked out 20 or 30 years ago. That logic did not satisfy the medical professional assigned to cluck over my case file. “Put down that ...

Bug bites whiny, er, sick writer

January 11, 2015

There will be no column today because I’m sick. It took me until October to do it, but I finally caught the summer cold that’s been flittering about the office. I never was much good at catch, and I hadn’t intended on improving now. But even if you lounge around right field with your eyes closed, a ball occasionally plops into your glove, quite by accident. Apparently, I spent too much time lounging about the office with my eyes closed because the cold bug flew through the air, and I caught it. I had a three-day weekend with which I wasn’t planning to do much of anything ...

Research is better than resolutions

January 4, 2015

I have yet to break a single New Year’s resolution. My formula for success is simple: I’m still researching which resolutions to make. I don’t believe in rushing into things. My studies so far show that 44 percent of adults nationwide started 2015 with at least one vow of betterment, but 92 percent of those folks will have broken them by July. More than a third of us will be toast by February, according to a survey by the University of Scranton. That’s why researching the exactly right resolutions is important to success. Because actually making resolutions leads to ...

Clutter inspires genius and unhealthy eating

December 28, 2014

I heard it often as a kid: “Burton William, clean your room! It looks like a pigsty.” Back then, it sounded reasonable — at least to my parents. But science says cleaning the sty stifles creativity. It did keep me slimmer, though. It’s true. According to a study reported by psychologist Kathleen Vohs in the journal Psychological Science, chaos and clutter are conducive to creativity. And questionable eating habits. Or maybe, as I suspect, Snickers and Ho-Hos are the stuff that fuels genius. Especially if you leave the crumpled wrappers on your desk. Vohs herded 188 ...