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My sister snatched away the fancy fork I'd been twirling on the table, refolded the green cloth napkin, and realigned the silverware into perfect rows, just like it had been when I ambled into her house.
"Santa Claus has to be a woman."
I held the holly-rimmed water glass up to my eye like a telescope and peered at Martha. "Why do you say that?"
"Organization." She yanked the glass away from my face, ran it into the kitchen and bustled back with a different glass. She set it on the table by the candlesticks, just out of my reach. "Trying to set up a family holiday dinner is disastrous enough with you boys around. Do you really think a man could organize a full-scale Christmas operation?"
My brother Dan shrugged and checked for messages on his cellphone. My brother Tim said, "I baked a pie."
Our little sister stood hands-on-hips and shook her head. "If I hadn't put this dinner together, would we even have gotten together as a family?"
"Maybe my wife would have thought of it," I said.
"Or mine," Dan said.
"I baked a pie," Tim said.
"Exactly," Martha said. "But we're supposed to believe that Santa sits in his workshop all year building toys in preparation for Christmas Eve. He starts planning for next Christmas on Dec. 26. When do you start your shopping?"
"I usually find pretty good deals on oven mitts and garden gnomes on Christmas Eve," I said.
"My wife buys the presents and tells me later what I bought for everyone," Dan said.
"I baked … I mean, I always start my shopping by Dec. 21. Dec. 23 at the latest."
Martha sighed. "If Santa was a man, no gifts would be wrapped. They'd just be set under the tree still in the store bags."
"I stuck bows on the bags last year," I said.
Martha said, "Of course, there wouldn't be presents if Santa was a man because he'd get lost and wouldn't ask for directions."
Dan held up his phone. "GPS. I'm good."
Martha shook her head. "Would a man really wear a red velvet suit?"
"There's a lot of scarlet on my Ohio State coat," Tim said.
"And what about the reindeer? Would they really be safe with a man?"
"I don't care for venison," I said. "But if the sleigh was pulled by chickens …"
Tim held up his hand. "What about the milk and cookies thing? If Santa was a woman, we'd leave side salads and bottles of Evian for her."
"A woman wouldn't wriggle down a sooty chimney," Dan said. "She'd use the front door so she could wipe her feet on the mat."
"And if Santa Claus was a woman," I said, "all I'd get would be 'practical' gifts like socks. I'd never get a Makita impact screwdriver."
"Nobody trusts you with power tools," my two brothers and sister chorused.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "I guess socks in my Christmas sock aren't much proof either way." I rubbed my chin. "How about that little round belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly? What woman would admit to having one of those?"
Martha's eyes flickered to our midriffs. "OK," she said. "Maybe Santa is a man. Let's eat."
All three of us boys ho-ho-hoed while our bellies shook like … well, you get the picture.
Merry Christmas.
—- Suspiciously, white-bearded Cole has never been seen together with Santa Claus. Send him your Christmas lists at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.