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Patty Kimerer column

PK: The apparent homo sapien whisperer

I’m good with the people stuff, as it were. No, I’m not bragging. I’ve never thought that was a very good look. Tooting one’s own horn = bad form, egotistic, patently rude and just kinda icky. Now, if I’m gushing about the sheer wonderfulness that is my child, well, that’s ...

The actual, bona fide, fish-killing last straw

Remember the original Flo? No, not the Progressive Insurance gal. I’m talking about the factionary waitress who worked for the pretend boss Mel at the made-up diner of the same name in the 1970s / ’80s sitcom “Alice.” I loved that show. It’s the story of a young widow who scoops ...

Kimerers have been standing in lines for 129 years

Remember that “Seinfeld” episode when Jerry rented a car at the airport but, upon trying to pick it up, was told, “There aren’t any cars. We ran out.” Jerry built an entire schtick about how anyone can TAKE a reservation, but it’s really the HOLDING of the reservation that’s the ...

Celebrating Memorial, Er, I mean Labor Day

Well, clearly, I am in denial. If I’ve done it once, I’ve done it two dozen times. In fact, during the course of the weekly e-bulletin I write at my day job, I did it thrice. THREE TIMES in a single newsletter! Yep. Just as I do every year around this time, I keep accidentally referring ...

Like a watched pot, a watched phone never rings

Remember that saying “A watched pot never boils”? I’m pretty sure it was that pauper dude who coined all the brilliant phrases that he apparently didn’t want people to know Benjamin Franklin was really saying. So the founding father / inventor / brainiac made up the pseudonym “Poor ...

Kimerer takes a bubble bath; the media goes wild

Remember the movie “Arthur” starring Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli and the always scene-stealing actor extraordinaire, Sir John Gielgud? That was a pretty funny flick. I was 11 when it was released, so I do recall having to wait to watch it until several years afterward when it finally made ...

When telemarketers attack: How NOT to get a sale

I’m certain I’ve mentioned it at least once already. Hey, I’m getting up there, bear with my foggy memory. Back when I was a senior in college, I had a part-time job as a telemarketer. It was — how do you say? — abysmal. I seem to recall most of my paycheck going to Olan ...

How about we just treat everyone well, m’kay?

You can tell a lot about a man by _________________ . That blank has been filled by many a famous human. German Jewish philosopher and essayist Walter Benjamin said: “You can tell a lot about a man by the books he keeps — his taste, his interest, his habits.” Well that’s ...

Sexes are so different they’re a galaxy apart

Mars and Venus. How far apart are they, really? I mean, I remember the third-grade acronym clarifying the proper order of the third rock and our neighboring planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. The way I recall it is, “My Very Excellent Mother ...

The grocery store — a food mart or alternate universe?

If you know me at all, you know that PK’s got a few, well, um, let’s just call them by their proper monikers, shall we? They are my obsessions. Hey, we’ve all got our stuff. Don’t pretend you’re immune. At least I own it. Whatever. Anyhoo, said fixations include but are not ...

Confusing concepts continue to clear my cerebral clutch

I like to think of myself as reasonably, marginally bright. You know, clever enough to string together a sentence, sharp enough to follow concise directions. Unless they are in any way relating to geography. In that sense, I am far below average intelligence. Like, really far. But as ...

Mama ‘Murica lets freedom ring for 243 years

Looks like our motherland might be having a little 243-year-itch, you know what I’m sayin’? What with it being the weekend of Independence Day and all, I thought I’d give her some love ... or at least a bit of a scratch. I really can’t blame the old girl for being a little put off ...

Unknown relative needs to crawl away now

An open letter to my “son” (or are you my “nephew”?): Hi, You don’t know me, although judging by your claims, I either birthed you or one of my siblings did. So I guess that makes us family. And, since we’re kin and all, I’m going to have to give you some tough ...

Mom is tops because the details tell us so

I’ve become quite used to it, frankly. In fact, I cannot recall a single occurrence when it’s been guessed correctly. And people always suppose the same wrong answer. ALWAYS. Not that it’s not a nice middle name. It is. It’s just not mine. But whenever folks see or hear my name — ...

My pop has been reincarnated in my offspring

It was when Kyle and his other lifeguard buddies were clowning around for a photo a few summers back that I knew for certain. There they were, flexing and shoving each other good naturedly and acting all teenage boy. It wasn’t until I inspected the pictures the next day that it hit ...

You got your coffee in my morning cereal … Mmm!

I was at my sister’s the other day when she busts out Kranch sauce by Heinz. I was like, “What in the????” Come to find out it’s ketchup and ranch dressing mixed into one bottle. Guess they also make MayoMust and MayoCue. You get the gist. It reminded me of that commercial for ...

Divine intervention or no, some friends are family

The thing about having a friend since early childhood is she knows where all your bodies are buried. In fact, she likely helped you dig most of the holes ... and cover them back up, you know what I’m sayin’? It’s that way with my friend Shelly. I can still remember the day we met, ...

Memorial Day to Labor Day, 15 weeks and counting

We were sitting on the outdoor patio deck overlooking Lake Milton while visiting some of our favorite peeps recently when it happened. It was one of those rare, glimpse sightings, like a shooting star streaking across the cloudless night sky or a sudden waterspout churning off the shores of ...

Celebrating Kelly … and cowering from the crowd

I can’t tell you how proud I am of my niece Kelly. But I’m going to try anyway. Since she was just a wee little lass with those huge blue eyes and that Shirley Temple-esque curly blonde hair, that girl has been making me smile. Just like her brother and little cousin. Those three are ...

Every mom’s a gem, but mine’s the most precious

“Friends” may well have been the best sitcom to come out of the 1990s. IMHO. I loved those six fictional pals and my real ones will tell you that I can quote any scene from any episode with total recall. A favorite is the one in which Monica and Chandler break it to the group that they ...