Patty Kimerer column

What NOT to say to a soon-to-be empty-nester

In 2016, it wasn’t as prevalent in my life. It only occurred quarterly, I’d say. Last year, it was becoming more regular — monthly, at the very least. By January 2018 it was definitely weekly. And now? Multiple times a day. Every single day. Without fail. No, I’m not talking ...

Let’s try love lessons of the canine variety

As I pulled into my driveway after work the other day, I paused. I waited. I watched. This is what I always do. Because every day when she is outside at my arrival, without fail, my 7-year-old Boxer Monnie will slowly lift herself from her carefully-selected sunning spot in our yard, toss her ...

Open letter to ‘stupid’ boy, from Mama Kimerer

ter than 90 MPH Last Tuesday Night, Hello. You don’t know me. You likely never will. But I know you — sorta. And watching you zip past me on the highway at what I’m estimating was about 96 miles per hour gave me some good insight, yo. You didn’t see me — or the man you nearly ...

Fighting through the funk to get to the funny

I feel so badly for folks with no sense of humor. I mean, to never see the funny in everyday situations? #BummerExistence Like my Pop always says, “That’s a heckuva way to go through life.” Pop doesn’t say heck. I digress. Granted, sometimes you have to seek out humor. Like, under ...

Some things need Dad’s rough-and-tumble touch

To be clear, there is no one on planet Earth who loves you like your Mother. Period. I know it sounds like I’m advocating on behalf of my kind, but that’s simply not the case. Rather, I’m basing my theory on the example of my own Mom. She is the quintessential mother. Look, I’m sorry ...

It seems Mother Nature is upset with us

As a child, especially an adult child, sometimes you have to offer your Mother a heartfelt apology. You know how it is, no matter how old you are, you cannot stand the thought of having her upset with you or, even worse, giving you the cold shoulder. And hands. And feet. And, well, everything ...

It was then that I forgot how to breathe

I’m not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, but I recently forgot how to breathe. No, I didn’t lose consciousness because I got punched in the chest by some rowdy Golden State Warriors fan after I popped off about what a dork Draymond Green is, though they does sound a lot like ...

Tomorrow is Memorial Day — remember?

It’s not that I won’t wear a pair of red, white and blue flip-flops tomorrow. I’ve run more than my share of Memorial Miles or Memorial Day 5Ks, trust me. Listen, I’m all about that last Monday in May being the unofficial kickoff of summer ... a “skip” day from work and ...

Hail the royal princess, er, dudette bride

At this writing, the wedding of the decade has yet to occur. #RoyalWedding2018 The whole world seems to be obsessed with Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle. Oops, by now, I suppose that they are officially the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. At least, that’s what most royal watchers assumed ...

Mum, Mommy, Ma, Mother, Mama — MOM!

It was a scene from the politically incorrect animated series “Family Guy” that became a TV promo for the show that morphed into an online GIF that ultimately sprouted as a ring tone. I only know the lattermost because my niece Alexis selected it as the customized sound for my sister-in-law ...

Humans become teachers of habit

I always know when my Monnie needs a nap. She, like so many other dogs, thrice circles around a certain location on the carpet (preferably within the rays of a sunbeam) and then curls up into a big old ring of paws, ears and one unusually oversized tongue. #BoxerProblems But regardless of ...

Let’s face it, we don’t click like we used to

I’ve been in a totally committed relationship for about nine years now. Well, at least, I THOUGHT so. Lately, I’ve had my doubts. It was love at first sight in January of 2009. We met through mutual friends and instantly clicked. I mean, in many ways, we’re inseparable. I check in ...

Thanks a lot, Freakazoid

You know how it is. You’re trying to squeeze about 47 tasks into a 25-minute window on any given work day and you run right smack into a raging psychopath at the supermarket. Oh wait, that doesn’t happen to you a couple of times a week? Well, frankly, me neither, but it did last week, I ...

Oh, mercy me, does bad come in threes?

You’ve heard it three times. Well, perhaps three times three times. Or maybe like 3,000 times 3 billion times. But that still don’t make it true, capsice? There is a widely held myth that misfortune comes in waves of ... yep, tres. #BadLuckThrees This is supposedly especially true in ...

The Key to unhappiness is West

There is an entire industry out there dedicated to providing readers, listeners, viewers and / or subscribers with the key to happiness. And what a multi-gazillion dollar industry it is, my friends. Books, videos, seminars, webinars, conferences, classes — the options are practically ...

No foolin’, celebrating Easter tops Thanksgiving

It’s really kind of weird how April Fool’s Day is falling on Easter this year, isn’t it? Then again, I suppose it’s no more odd than how Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday were the same day and date this year, as well. #WhatIsUp2018 Lots of folks wonder why, unlike Christmas, Easter ...

Accusations of old age might be a bit true

“Is someone in your party, like, over 55?” And just like that, some well-meaning, little, wet-behind-the-ears 20-something waitress ruined the party, aka, dinner for my husband and me the other night. Fifty-five? What in the ...? Hmpf. Immediately, I heard a woman’s voice (which ...

Simple joy of scrap-booking

“Three years I’ve thought of nothing except Titanic…” So said fictional treasure hunter Brock Lovett in the 1997 film about his obsession in finding that bazillion dollar necklace inside the infamously-sunken luxury liner. He was a man driven. Madly focused on the end prize. ...

Swim team gets little love, but parents know truth

I was about 7 or so when it happened, I think. It was my own fault, really. There I was, stalking my big sister, as always, in a desperate attempt to hang out with the older, cooler crowd. #LilSisIssues On this particular day, we were at our family reunion picnic at a nearby lake. As I ...

Recognize Spent Syndrome as real malady

You know how it is when you oversleep and... Jump out of bed and smack into the wall and zip into the shower and the water’s freezing but you’re late so you primp your entire body (including face) in like 45 seconds and then fall down the stairs (because you’re running) and ...