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Patty Kimerer column

Drowning in love with the life of a swim mom

Swim parents. We’re a breed unto ourselves, to be certain. Take one glance and it’s clear that we aren’t your typical sports moms and dads. Or aunts and uncles, grammas and grampas, or general fans of float. We don’t cuss, fuss or tell the coach how to wrangle his school of fish. ...

One word says it all if it has enough capital letters

It’s actually one of my all-time favorite words. Hmm. Do we really need the “all-time” preceding favorite? I mean, aren’t we strongly implying, by showing overt preference for a thing, that it became such as a conscious decision made over, you know, time? I digress. Anyway, ...

On behalf of all the loners: Leave us alone!

I have to say that I’ve felt this way for quite some time now. It’s just that I’m always hesitant to broach a topic that could easily be construed as controversial. Especially in the current political climate, I am reticent even to mention the subject. But, no. You know what? This ...

Punxsutawney Phil is a liar; 49ers are doomed

The thing about Groundhog Day and the Super Bowl being on the same day is — other than the fact that it’s only happened once before — it’s just double the depression for old PK. Here’s why: No. 1: There’ll never NOT be more winter after Groundhog Day. Look, I’m sorry to toss ...

It’s been winter for 35 days — might as well be 35 years!

It’s been a month and 24 hours since Christmas, even though it seems like that was decades ago. The calendar’s been stuck on winter for 35 days so far — yet each one feels like a YEAR to we cold-weather haters. Sorry snow fans, but I haven’t felt my fingers or toes in weeks. ...

Fashion trends are confusing and some need to go away

Ever since that episode of “Sex and the City” in which Carrie Bradshaw made an argument for it, I’ve taken the WIDE liberty of considering myself something of an artist. Hey! I can hear y’all laughing all the way from here. Unnecessarily hurtful. Ahem. As I was saying, the fictional ...

Christmas contraband coffee creamer coveted

Well, it’s only a matter of days now. Hours, really, if you want to get technical. Soon and very soon, I’m going to burn through my entire supply. The whole stockpile. Poof! And then... life will take a very dark turn for PK, folks. It’ll be a sad, sad day, one lamented until the very ...

Pick a resolution and don’t feeling guilty if it’s self-love

You say you need a resolution? Well, you know, it’s true, we all wanna change ... um, lots of stuff, I suppose. Mostly personal, am I right? It is a fact that, just as the earth dwellers have done from cave-critter days through the log cabin phase up to the present flip-this-house day, we ...

Contemplating the BIG issues at the end of another year

There’s nothing like the end of a year — especially one that concludes a decade — to make one reflective. I mean, there’s a reason “Auld Lange Syne” gets played 87 bazillion times annually between Dec. 26 and Jan. 1, capisce? The humans like to take time to think about what’s ...

Time to put the to-do list aside and honor the season

And now, as always, the annual obligatory homage to “A Visit from St. Nicholas” by Clement Clarke Moore — as told by jolly ol’ PK. ’Twas three nights before Christmas When all through the casa I was losing my grip Like a falling Mufasa. The wedding soup was made, As were ...

Don’t be a Christmas grump; let love into your heart

“You know it, I know it, and the American people know it,” Bob Dole used to say. He was right. In fact, I’m pretty sure humans everywhere on the third rock are aware of this universal truth: Giving = good and being stingy = bad. Period. But the tricky part isn’t necessarily in the ...

Notes to my new mommy self: Chill and enjoy

Exactly 20 years ago today (down to the moment, depending on when you read the paper), I brought home the best early Christmas present I ever will receive: my baby boy. Yep, it was cold and snowy on Dec. 8, 1999. I remember clearly because the chilled air had me wrapping that infant tighter ...

Let Ralphie’s story lead you into holiday hustle

Well, this is it. Crunch time. T minus 23 shopping days and counting. Or would it be T-minus 24 days? I mean, technically there ARE stores open on Christmas Day. Hmpf. As fictional matriarch Marie Barone of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond” often told her son: “I don’t like that, ...

‘Twas the night before Black Friday, and I’m staying home

I’m breaking with tradition a little … and rushing the seasonal theme a tad, I know! But I thought I’d take a humorous angle on Turkey Day ala Clement Moore’s, “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” Don’t worry, you’ll still get saddled with that one next month, too. I digress. ‘Twas ...

An open letter to those not freezing to death in Ohio

An open letter to my family members and friends who live in snow-free locations: Hello! I hope this note finds you well and happy. Gosh, who can believe we’re almost done with 2019. It’s been another whirlwind year at Casa Kimerer! Say, as a special favor in the spirit of the ...

College life is good for the kid, but not so good for mom

It’s such a huge adjustment, really; going from high school to college. I mean, the move alone is a major modification to life as you know it. Everything you knew before of regular old existence at the homestead is turned completely upside down, physically and, you know, in the ...

Everything I need to know, Elle Woods taught me

Everything I need to know, I learned from “Legally Blonde.” Well, not really. To be fair, I’ve gone down this path before with some of my OTHER all-time fave flicks, including, “Moonstruck,” “Shawshank Redemption” and “Shrek.” Yes, “Shrek.” It’s surprisingly ...

Apparently, old chicks get crabby about stuff

After glancing down the other day, it occurred to me the life I’d known to that point, had ceased to exist. There they were. Live, in Technicolor and unmistakable — my grandma’s ankles. Gulp. I’m not sure why, but I remember what they looked like. Strange. I just recall looking ...

Cursing and now curing the cursive curse

My friend’s second-grader isn’t learning it yet — but I guess that’s not odd since my other pal’s kids didn’t hear about it from their teachers until the third grade. But even then, the entire lesson lasted for the equivalent of like, oh, I don’t know, three periods or so. Um, ...

Out of all nicknames to be called, mom is best

I’ve been called many things in my life. Several of which are unfit to print … or even post to social media … or speak in front of your priest. But that was mostly when I was little and sparring with my sister, Gina. Okay fine, when I was getting whooped on by her, whatever. ...