Patty Kimerer column

Confusing concepts continue to clear my cerebral clutch

I like to think of myself as reasonably, marginally bright. You know, clever enough to string together a sentence, sharp enough to follow concise directions. Unless they are in any way relating to geography. In that sense, I am far below average intelligence. Like, really far. But as ...

Mama ‘Murica lets freedom ring for 243 years

Looks like our motherland might be having a little 243-year-itch, you know what I’m sayin’? What with it being the weekend of Independence Day and all, I thought I’d give her some love ... or at least a bit of a scratch. I really can’t blame the old girl for being a little put off ...

Unknown relative needs to crawl away now

An open letter to my “son” (or are you my “nephew”?): Hi, You don’t know me, although judging by your claims, I either birthed you or one of my siblings did. So I guess that makes us family. And, since we’re kin and all, I’m going to have to give you some tough ...

Mom is tops because the details tell us so

I’ve become quite used to it, frankly. In fact, I cannot recall a single occurrence when it’s been guessed correctly. And people always suppose the same wrong answer. ALWAYS. Not that it’s not a nice middle name. It is. It’s just not mine. But whenever folks see or hear my name — ...

My pop has been reincarnated in my offspring

It was when Kyle and his other lifeguard buddies were clowning around for a photo a few summers back that I knew for certain. There they were, flexing and shoving each other good naturedly and acting all teenage boy. It wasn’t until I inspected the pictures the next day that it hit ...

You got your coffee in my morning cereal … Mmm!

I was at my sister’s the other day when she busts out Kranch sauce by Heinz. I was like, “What in the????” Come to find out it’s ketchup and ranch dressing mixed into one bottle. Guess they also make MayoMust and MayoCue. You get the gist. It reminded me of that commercial for ...

Divine intervention or no, some friends are family

The thing about having a friend since early childhood is she knows where all your bodies are buried. In fact, she likely helped you dig most of the holes ... and cover them back up, you know what I’m sayin’? It’s that way with my friend Shelly. I can still remember the day we met, ...

Memorial Day to Labor Day, 15 weeks and counting

We were sitting on the outdoor patio deck overlooking Lake Milton while visiting some of our favorite peeps recently when it happened. It was one of those rare, glimpse sightings, like a shooting star streaking across the cloudless night sky or a sudden waterspout churning off the shores of ...

Celebrating Kelly … and cowering from the crowd

I can’t tell you how proud I am of my niece Kelly. But I’m going to try anyway. Since she was just a wee little lass with those huge blue eyes and that Shirley Temple-esque curly blonde hair, that girl has been making me smile. Just like her brother and little cousin. Those three are ...

Every mom’s a gem, but mine’s the most precious

“Friends” may well have been the best sitcom to come out of the 1990s. IMHO. I loved those six fictional pals and my real ones will tell you that I can quote any scene from any episode with total recall. A favorite is the one in which Monica and Chandler break it to the group that they ...

Don’t spoil ‘End Game’ or I will tell Thor

Remember when you were little and couldn’t wait to open your presents on Christmas morning? Man, I can still see the whole scenario in my mind’s eye. Getting up before the sun to race into the living room (that’s what we called it back then) with my siblings. I’m not going to name ...

Searching for time machine to flip-flopping

It’s funny how, when you’re young, you want to get old. I mean, you do. It’s natural, really. The humans have even made feature films about it. “Big,” starring a very young Tom Hanks back in 1988, was the story about a 12-year-old boy who, impatient to become an adult after being ...

Pausing to reflect on this Easter Sunday

It happened so distantly, That injustice on Golgotha But not an Easter goes by When we don’t relieve the drama. From the Sunday before When the crowds raised palms And sent up “Hurrahs!” And praised high and long. But as the week unfolded He calmly went about The work ...

Dumb overachievers are all pretty annoying

Do you know any of those humans who are really great at everything? You know, they try their hand — make that feet — at soccer and excel. Then they use those feet to run track a few years later and qualify for junior high champs. All the while, they’ve been intermittently swimming and ...

Everybody is a critic when it comes to movies

A million years ago when pterodactyls filled the sky and PK first started working in print, I wrote many types of articles: human interest pieces, one-day travel features, health reports and my all-time fave — reviews. Mostly, they were about local theatrical productions. I must admit to ...

Another trip around sun and wishes are small

I recently celebrated another full, personal revolution around the sun. In PK years, I’m 51. Which means, I am officially older than: Fla-Vor-Ice, Sesame Street, Tic Tacs, PBS (for some reason, that one really smarts), Scooby Doo (zoinks!), Funyuns (remember those yummy, crunchy ...

Self-talk can help — unless you pick a fight

It happened last Wednesday. It was roughly 5:30 p.m., just about the time for a full day’s worth — make that a half week’s worth — of frustration to come spilling out. Literally. I was indignantly shutting down my computer and clearing off my desk following a particularly tough ...

St. Pat: More popular than the Kardashians

St. Patrick’s Day means a lot of different things to a wide assortment of humans ’round the globe. Yeah, that’s what I said. According to an article by The Business Insider last fall, the celebration is a worldwide one. Historians Mike Cronin and Daryl Adair report that it is celebrated ...

Of course you can always make this stuff up

You can’t make this stuff up. I’ve always wondered why people say that? People make stuff up all the time. Liars. Fiction novelists. Film authors. Politicians (oh, sorry, I already covered that in the first mention). Actors. Teachers. Parents. Teenagers caught sneaking in after curfew. ...

Just the facts, ma’am, but I’d prefer the food

Remember the show “Dragnet”? Wikipedia does: “Dragnet is an American radio, television and motion-picture series enacting the cases of a dedicated Los Angeles police detective Sgt. Joe Friday and his partners.” It debuted in 1951, ran for eight years, then came back in 1967 for a ...