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Patty Kimerer column

Who’s best of the best? Why mom, of course

I am one lucky gal. First — and of most significant wowzer factor— I am the mom of the world’s most fabulous human. Seriously. No offense to the other Homo sapiens or anything. It’s just that for some reason, and through no particular worthiness on my part, I have been blessed with ...

Great contraptions I should have invented

You see it every day. Modernization. Innovation. Conceptualization. You know, new crap. Happens each new dawn in America. And Canada. And the Motherland. And ... well, you get the idea — the earth dwellers are a pretty smart bunch of cookies. That’s why nothing unveiled, released, ...

Spring snow shows 2021 is as sneaky as 2020

So... it happened in the waning hours of the evening of April 20. One by one, they glacially gathered — silently, secretly and under the dark sheath of night as their cover and shield. They’re sneaky like that — cold-hearted critters They kept calling out to their little frigid pals to ...

Let’s take a stroll down food, er, memory, lane

It’s amazing, really, what triggers memories in the humans. Frankly, even the faintest of feels can spark total recall in the average earth-dweller. At least, that’s what I’ve noticed in my 53 years of observing, I dunno, about a gazillion or so of them. I mean, give or take a zillion, ...

Adversity builds character and dippy proverbs

You know how they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? I think that’s true. You know how they say adversity is the foundation of virtue? I think that’s also pretty accurate. I mean, after all, it’s like they ALSO say: “Into every life, a little rain must fall.” Right? ...

Answer: Chocolate; Question: Uh, um — yum?

I like chocolate. I like it ... a lot. We’ve been seeing each other for a very long time now. As long as I can remember, actually. And, I’m not going to lie, it’s gotten pretty serious. Our relationship has truly been one of the greatest sources of warmth and joy, consistently, over ...

Spending COVID-19 birthday on an island

So, yesterday I finished my 52nd rotation of the sun. Started the old 53rd. It’s funny how, the older you get, the less you care about outwardly observing the day you made your big debut to the other humans, no? Well, that’s how it is for THIS human, anyway. I’d much rather celebrate ...

Sleep well, Monamoosh; you will be missed

She had a decidedly off-center smile, partly due to that one jagged incisor that jutted out unceremoniously. I called it her snaggle tooth. But that was sort of the least of her worries, given that her oversized tongue NEVER FIT INTO HER MOUTH. Literally. The result? Her pie-hole rarely ...

Suffering through another daylight saving time

Well, it’s upon us once again — that ridiculous date on which we are all forced, kicking and screaming, into “springing ahead.” Yep, it’s here already, people: crummy old daylight saving time day. AKA, the date on which we annually lose 86,400 seconds. BLECH. I’m not sure what ...

Face masks block germs, kill conversations

Remember that adage, “Cat got your tongue?” You know, it’s that little quip we shoot out at someone when they’re uncharacteristically quiet. Or more specifically, when they’re completely ignoring us, yo. It’s pretty much a low-key dig, yet the phrase is an oldie but a, well, ...

Just a girl missing her dad as he sends signs

Well, it’s here. The day I’ve been dreading for exactly one year. It is the anniversary of the day my Pop died. Anniversary doesn’t seem like the right word to use, does it? That generally connotes happy feels, no? That ain’t any part of today, yo. It’s been, all at once, an ...

Best big brother’s birthday? Better believe it

Do you know what Wednesday was? Well, yes, Ash Wednesday and the start of the Lenten season. Let the fish fry and pierogi sessions commence! It also happened to mark the one-year anniversary of my gig at my day job. And what a sweet little situation it is. My work peeps are fab, and I’m ...

Searching for fulfillment in a frozen February

Ah, February. For me, it’s such a complicated calendar contribution, ’kay? First of all, the whole there’s that whole “not enough days”-ness of it. Who the heck decided that and why? I’m missing something here. In fact, we all are — like a couple of earth axis rotations. Except ...

Wanted: Area columnist seeks happiness hacks

I’m a happy person. Really. Ask around. I’m a smiler. A hugger. A well-wisher. I’m the say-“I-love-you”-before-hanging-up-with-fam girl. Every. Single. Time. I’m also a world-class empathizer. I’m seriously all about the other humans, especially the ones in my particular ...

Pandemic Phil — the root cause of 2020

One of my favorite episodes of “Sex and the City” is the one after Aidan and Carrie break up and he moves out. Oooh, speaking of SATC, are you aware that it’s getting a reboot and there will be a third movie? WOOT WOOT! Naturally, the good news comes with a touch of scandal, that being ...

Could be the election, or a just a mom funk

Hello, one and all. How’s it going for you on this particular January morning? Um, wait, what was that? I’m sorry. I promise you that I’m genuinely interested in your answer. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to focus on your feels. I truly would. It’s just that I’m rather ...

2020 continues to keep us in its clutches

Well, we’re two weeks deep. Whatcha thinking? Yeah, me, too. Meh. For all intents and purposes, as they say. Oh and hey, BT dubs, why do they say that? I mean, if you’ve got to preface a statement with “For all intents and purposes,” are you just assuming a certain level of distrust ...

Blood sucker doesn’t make MTHFR any fun

Quick shout out to the demon with the yellow eyes, venomous fangs and forked tongue moonlighting as a phlebotomist at my local lab. BT dubs, you may want to invest in a more appropriate disguise, er, I mean uniform? I’m thinking a smile and some scrubs might play a little better with the ...

Don’t let January take away the holiday joy

Well, that’s it. It’s all over, done. Terminado. Kaput. Finito. Sigh. You know how, toward the end of “A Christmas Story,” Ralphie laments how the Bumpus Hounds robbed the Parkers not only of Christmas dinner but also so much more after they burst into the kitchen and devoured — or ...

If 2020 was a house, it would be condemned

Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah, hey HEYYYYYY, GOODBYE! I challenge you to find a single Homo sapien living on this big round ball who isn’t over the flipping moon that this year is ending. Show of hands? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Zippo. It would be so easy to 2020 all over the ...