Patty Kimerer column

We’re taking creative license on our driver’s licenses

There is an old joke about having a life goal to someday weigh as much as it says I do on my driver’s license. I am an old girl, so I know a lot of old jokes. #50 Either way, the average homo sapien stretches the boundaries of truth when it comes to certain DL declarations. In fact, we ...

Why is everybody always picking on me?

It’s not a competition, really. More of a compare-and-contrast type of situation. I mean, I’m not better than him. He’s not above me. Truth be told, I’ve lived my whole life feeling sorry for the poor little guy, what with all of his very public humiliations and all. Turns out we ...

Sticking together through all — even ‘Live: PD’

After the first two decades or so of living with another human, you tend learn a few things; even if only through osmosis. And, 23 years ago today, I started living with this really cute, really sweet, really fun guy. It was after we got hitched on a perfectly sunny-and-75 late summer ...

Tips to college secrets that nobody tells

There are so many things that people don’t tell you about moving your kid to college. Make no mistake that there are a plethora of things people DO tell you. Many are true and spot-on. Others, not so much. But what about that whole host of things that people fail to mention? Little ...

Wizards cast disgusting spells in world of retail

Can you believe that I recently had a close encounter with some of the antagonists from Harry Potter’s world? There they were, four legit wicked wizards. And I didn’t even have to travel to Hogwarts to find them. Apparently, they hang their cloaks at the local mall. The sightings ...

I’m a Walkman girl in an ear bud world

It all started innocently enough a few days ago. I was having an INXS concert in my ears... well, in office while I whittled away on a press release. The concert came via my Amazon music library on my iPhone and made possible via my ear buds. Sorta. You see, they kept falling out of what ...

Life lessons learned from one angry bird

Remember Foghorn Leghorn? Man, I always loved him. He’s my pop’s favorite, too. He’s that arrogant cartoon rooster from the Looney Toons series. You know, the good old Southern boy squawker who quips stuttering one-liners chock full of sarcasm and hilarious similes and metaphors. They ...

Same old same old? That’s just fine at 50

As I nicked an age spot on my leg while shaving it the other morning (it stopped bleeding four minutes ago, BTW), I let out a heavy sigh. “Man! Same one as Monday, ding dang it!” I thought aloud to my bathroom mirror reflection, which looked back at me and replied: “The good news is ...

What NOT to say to a soon-to-be empty-nester

In 2016, it wasn’t as prevalent in my life. It only occurred quarterly, I’d say. Last year, it was becoming more regular — monthly, at the very least. By January 2018 it was definitely weekly. And now? Multiple times a day. Every single day. Without fail. No, I’m not talking ...

Let’s try love lessons of the canine variety

As I pulled into my driveway after work the other day, I paused. I waited. I watched. This is what I always do. Because every day when she is outside at my arrival, without fail, my 7-year-old Boxer Monnie will slowly lift herself from her carefully-selected sunning spot in our yard, toss her ...

Open letter to ‘stupid’ boy, from Mama Kimerer

ter than 90 MPH Last Tuesday Night, Hello. You don’t know me. You likely never will. But I know you — sorta. And watching you zip past me on the highway at what I’m estimating was about 96 miles per hour gave me some good insight, yo. You didn’t see me — or the man you nearly ...

Fighting through the funk to get to the funny

I feel so badly for folks with no sense of humor. I mean, to never see the funny in everyday situations? #BummerExistence Like my Pop always says, “That’s a heckuva way to go through life.” Pop doesn’t say heck. I digress. Granted, sometimes you have to seek out humor. Like, under ...

Some things need Dad’s rough-and-tumble touch

To be clear, there is no one on planet Earth who loves you like your Mother. Period. I know it sounds like I’m advocating on behalf of my kind, but that’s simply not the case. Rather, I’m basing my theory on the example of my own Mom. She is the quintessential mother. Look, I’m sorry ...

It seems Mother Nature is upset with us

As a child, especially an adult child, sometimes you have to offer your Mother a heartfelt apology. You know how it is, no matter how old you are, you cannot stand the thought of having her upset with you or, even worse, giving you the cold shoulder. And hands. And feet. And, well, everything ...

It was then that I forgot how to breathe

I’m not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, but I recently forgot how to breathe. No, I didn’t lose consciousness because I got punched in the chest by some rowdy Golden State Warriors fan after I popped off about what a dork Draymond Green is, though they does sound a lot like ...

Tomorrow is Memorial Day — remember?

It’s not that I won’t wear a pair of red, white and blue flip-flops tomorrow. I’ve run more than my share of Memorial Miles or Memorial Day 5Ks, trust me. Listen, I’m all about that last Monday in May being the unofficial kickoff of summer ... a “skip” day from work and ...

Hail the royal princess, er, dudette bride

At this writing, the wedding of the decade has yet to occur. #RoyalWedding2018 The whole world seems to be obsessed with Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle. Oops, by now, I suppose that they are officially the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. At least, that’s what most royal watchers assumed ...

Mum, Mommy, Ma, Mother, Mama — MOM!

It was a scene from the politically incorrect animated series “Family Guy” that became a TV promo for the show that morphed into an online GIF that ultimately sprouted as a ring tone. I only know the lattermost because my niece Alexis selected it as the customized sound for my sister-in-law ...

Humans become teachers of habit

I always know when my Monnie needs a nap. She, like so many other dogs, thrice circles around a certain location on the carpet (preferably within the rays of a sunbeam) and then curls up into a big old ring of paws, ears and one unusually oversized tongue. #BoxerProblems But regardless of ...

Let’s face it, we don’t click like we used to

I’ve been in a totally committed relationship for about nine years now. Well, at least, I THOUGHT so. Lately, I’ve had my doubts. It was love at first sight in January of 2009. We met through mutual friends and instantly clicked. I mean, in many ways, we’re inseparable. I check in ...