Whacked wording leaves lexicorn

February 7, 2016

I was buzzing toward a book signing in the next county when I missed my turn. Terry had been textracted with messages on her phone. She looked up, peered around and said, “Are you sure you want to go this way?” I pulled my attention from the comedy routine on the radio, something about made-up words that ought to be in the dictionary. “Of course I’m sure. I mapquestioned it before we left. I’ve gone this way lots of times.” “Anytime recently?” “Well, no. Why?” “Because I think you meant to take that turn five miles back.” I looked around. I saw ...

Getting organized sounds fishy

January 31, 2016

The first mistake was drifting into the pet store. Pet stores are such calming diversions — especially when one is supposed to be somewhere else. There’s something about the leathery wrinkles of iguanas, the ear-bending squawking of parrots and the pointless scurrying of mice that prepares me for the unpleasantness of business meetings to which I’m headed. But this time, two tiny oranda goldfish, a glittery white one with a red cap and flaming orange one graced with black fin tips, begged to follow me home. “This could work,” I thought. “I could buy a little fish bowl ...

Ask doc or my wife, I’m fine

January 24, 2016

Whenever possible, I take my wife to all my doctor appointments. It saves a lot of blood pressure points for both of us. It’s not that I need someone to hold my hand. But I don’t mind — needles still frighten me even after more than a half century of doctors’ offices. The problem is if I don’t take her to the doctor, the post-visit debriefing when I get home causes more agony than whatever ailment sent me to the white coats in the first place. “What did the doctor say?” “I’m fine.” “What did he say about the red spot?” “Nothing.” “He said ...

Socks don’t get a darn

January 17, 2016

Does anyone darn socks anymore? I’m not talking about muttering mild oaths at smelly footies. I mean the old-fashioned process of mending socks with thread, needle and light bulb. In the dark, cold days of my youth, Mom never got to just relax. She blamed it on three boys ricocheting off the walls. I looked everywhere for those three boys but couldn’t find them. I asked my two brothers, but they hadn’t seen them either. Too bad. It sounded like they were having way more fun than we were and we wanted to ask their advice. Anyway, whenever Mom did manage a moment to sit, she ...

Let’s chew the fat over this annual New Year’s resolution thing

January 10, 2016

EDITOR’S NOTE: One week into the new year, and Cole already slipped out the back door to go on vacation. While we track him down and drag him back to his desk, here’s a topical Cole Classic first published Dec. 30, 1997. xxx It has long been my practice to avoid all New Year’s resolutions. I don’t believe in lying. Besides, the preparations for resolutions were killing me. Haven’t we all resolved at one time or another to go on an everlasting diet on Jan. 1? So what do we do on Dec. 31? Right — mash into our mouths all the stuff we’ve sworn not to ever eat again in ...

Time to turn off and tune out with Gilligan

December 27, 2015

I found the posting while surfing the Internet: It was a photograph of a lavishly serene cabin shaded by a luscious forest and fronted by white sand and clear blue waters. It looked like an upscale “Gilligan’s Island.” The caption asked, “Would you live here without TV or Internet for a year for $1 million?” Sadly, the posting appears to be a rhetorical question. Otherwise, I’d be roughly 365 days away from a million dollars. I glanced at the comments section of the posting. A couple people offered to run away to the cabin for free. I suspect there’s a fleet of ...