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Burton Cole column

Nobody does up joy like humans

There is no greater collection of grumps, cranks and grouches than what shows up during the joys of the Christmas season. Five more days and then everyone can stop being so snarly, take off the shopping shoulder pads, get some sleep and return to just being pleasantly petulant as usual. Well, right after returning all their Christmas presents Saturday, anyway. Then none of us will have to be crabby again until sometime in January, when all the Christmas bills start arriving. Turning festive occasions into madness seems to be the favorite pastime of our species. It is this kind of ...

Key answer for reader

People often pepper me with tough questions. It’s because of my ridiculously overstocked storehouse of knowledge. “Thanks, professor,” the pests guffaw with relief after I’ve solved another dilemma. “Nobody does ridiculous like you.” So I wasn’t surprised when I found in my mailbox a query from Betty Ogilbee of Kinsman. On fall-themed notepaper printed with pictures of pumpkins and squash, she wrote: “I have four questions about keys: “1. Why does my house key slip easily into the slot, unlock the door, but then refuses to be pulled out without a great deal of ...

Great aging, great benefits

One of the greatest benefits of aging is no longer straining to make your own excuses. For example, if I can’t keep up with a much-younger hiker, he’ll say, “Hey, good effort, man. I hope I can be as spry when I’m as ol... uh, have as much experience as you do.” If I do keep up, the praises become more ridiculous than participation trophies: “Good for you, man! I hope I can be as spry when... well, you know.” The message is clear — at your age, nobody expects all that much from you. It’s the reason the PGA runs a senior golf tour. Road races are broken into age ...

Making peace with cat and mouse games

I tried not to gag as I picked up her still-warm gift. Molly meant it as the highest order of peace offering. It’s just that — how shall I put this? — I, unlike Molly, am not a cat. I’m not even a cat person. I’m more a fish tank guy. Come to think of it, so were all of our cats. The diligence of a cat guarding a fish tank is astounding. Cats I have known watched my fish tank for hours, whiskers twitching, scanning with almond-shaped eyes for anything that could possibly be amiss. They’d hop up to the top of the tank and — quite certain that the fish were in danger ...

Men not to blame for stunts

I am fat — sturdy; I meant to say sturdy — because I am married. Science says so. New research released last week shows that men eat twice as much when dining with women than they do eating alone or with other men. The conclusion, according to the study from Cornell University: “Men overeat to show off.” So there you have it. I take meals with my wife — and I wouldn’t have it any other way — and by now, she’s just gotta be impressed. You can verify that with the bathroom scale. The Cornell study concurs with a University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study I ...

Locked out, lost in thought

A number of thoughts swirl through one’s mind when one discovers one has locked oneself out of one’s car. Chiefly: “Idiot!” “What a ding dong!” and “Why do I keep referring to myself as ‘one’?” I called roadside service. An operator in Massachusetts, Maine or possibly Montana answered. “I need to figure out who services your area. Do you know the ZIP code of where the vehicle is?” That was easy. I’d parked at the town post office. She keyed in the numbers. “OK, I’ve got a map... Is that a McDonald’s I see next door?” “Yes, there’s one in ...