World day to garden naked fraught with thorny perils

May 1, 2016

Saturday marks World Naked Gardening Day, the annual rite when we all tend to the flora while we flaunta the plots normally planted (wisely) beneath our clothes. What? You didn’t know about World Naked Gardening Day? That’s a relief. Now I don’t have to drive while wearing a blindfold on Saturday. According to the World Naked Gardening Day website, this is the 12th annual au naturel nurturing nature event. It’s celebrated — without party hats, of course — on the first Saturday in May. “Second only to swimming, gardening is at the top of the list of family friendly ...

Accidental discoveries heated his backside

April 24, 2016

Necessity, it is said, is the mother of invention. But it seems to me that some of our greatest discoveries were stumbled upon by accident. Which means I should have been the world’s greatest inventor. But Mom and Dad kept interfering with science. In the ninth century, Chinese alchemists worked furiously to find a formula for eternal life. The version of the formula that mixed saltpeter, sulfur and charcoal backfired. In a big way. Messing around with their chemistry set, they’d invented gunpowder. In 1963, I mixed baking powder, sugar, Tide, Spic and Span, a Betty Crocker ...

Honey, I was going to do that

April 17, 2016

It’s been an interesting week. My wife traveled out of state. “There’s nothing to worry about,” I assured her. “Remember, I took care of myself all by myself before I married you.” “You didn’t sort your laundry. You ate Alpha-Bits for supper. You wore stripes with plaids.” Terry shuddered. “I’m going to cancel my trip.” “Go. Enjoy yourself. I’ll be fine.” And I am. The biggest challenge to being left alone was getting her to leave me alone. It was as if she feared I’d break something. I didn’t, outside of that one antique dish. But it was old. ...

Banking on a bargain is bunk

April 10, 2016

Several fine dining establishments I frequent offer any size Coca-Colas for a $1. While I live for bargains (except on shoes — shoe shopping is an agony I avoid no matter the deal), the buying in bulk bit creates a dilemma for a natural-born cheapskate when he isn’t all that thirsty. I ordered a small Coke the other day at one of those places. “Let me get you a large. It’s the same price,” the clerk said. “I only want a small.” “It’ll cost you a whole dollar for a tiny drink. But if you get the large, that’s three times the cola for that same little dollar.” ...

Please, let me stay home and be bored for awhile

April 3, 2016

The sign was meant to be funny: “The older I get, the more I appreciate being home doing absolutely nothing.” Instead of laughing, I pumped my fist in the air and yelled, “Truth!” Then I gathered up the pack of payments to drop off at the post office, stuffed the shopping list in my pocket, slid the recycling basket toward the back door, tried to remember where I dropped the car keys, and headed off the homestead. Again. When I was kid, I moaned because I never got to go ANYWHERE! My parents always were running off to exotic-sounding places like “work” and ...

As Twain tweeted, pranks play a fool’s game

March 27, 2016

It’s probably best to stay in bed Friday. Unless you live with a joker. Then nowhere is safe. So remember, if you can’t join the witness protection program, beat them to the April Fool’s Day prank punch. (That’s not my quote. Benjamin Franklin posted that adage on his Facebook page in 1782.) For example, if you work at a building with a card key entrance, tape an official looking sign to the door that states, “All access points were updated to voice activation. Speak your full name clearly into the card reader to unlock.” Or, if the gullibility level at your ...