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Several fine dining establishments I frequent offer any size Coca-Colas for a $1. While I live for bargains (except on shoes -- shoe shopping is an agony I avoid no matter the deal), the buying in bulk bit creates a dilemma for a natural-born cheapskate when he isn't all that thirsty.
I ordered a small Coke the other day at one of those places.
"Let me get you a large. It's the same price," the clerk said.
"I only want a small."
"It'll cost you a whole dollar for a tiny drink. But if you get the large, that's three times the cola for that same little dollar." The clerk spoke slowly, as if to an idiot. "It's like buying one drink and getting two free."
I shook my head. "I only want one drink. A small Coke, please."
"I'll get you the large. It's a deal."
"Let me get this straight: I buy a large Coke, drink the little bit that I want, and pour out the bulk of it in the parking lot. That makes sense to you?"
"But it's a bargain in bulk."
So I bought the super size. And sipped a smidge. I hated to waste the rest of the Coke, especially after I paid a dollar. So I shared the cup around the restaurant.
"Be sure to wipe your germs off the rim of the cup before you pass it to the next customer."
We were introduced to the concept of cheaper by the dozen with elementary school math problems designed to prove you paid less per orange when you bought the whole bag of a dozen.
I raised my hand. "But what if I only want two oranges?"
"Then you pay more per orange, and you flunk the quiz."
I bought the imaginary dozen oranges with my imaginary money provided for the imaginary problem. But I imagined eating two oranges. The other 10 imaginary oranges rotted in my desk. The teacher's imagination seemed both expensive and smelly.
Years later, I discovered fact more frightening than fiction.
I used my math skills at the grocery to discern that the biggie size sour cream costs much less per ounce than the small size I needed. I paid more for the large, but hey, I had a lot more sour cream.
Then I threw most of it away because it grew green fuzz before I could use it all.
I pointed this out to the grocer on my next trip. "That's why you also need to buy more potatoes. They're cheaper when you buy two bags."
Buying in bulk simply isn't always the bargain it's bragged to be.
A friend of mine needed new shoes and invited me to go with her. Naturally, I declined. (Shoe shopping is an agony I avoid, perhaps because of the deals.)
Later, she presented me with four boxes. "Look at these shoes I bought."
"You went to the store for only one one pair."
"I know, but they had a sale -- buy three pairs, get the fourth pair free. I saved $50!"
"Um, you lost $100."
"Do the math. Buying four pairs, it comes out to only $37.50 a pair."
"Nope," I said. "Instead of spending the 50 bucks you meant, you paid $150 to get 'free' shoes. And you lost closet space in the deal. Your bargain was bunk."
She looked depressed, so I gave her one of my imaginary oranges. There are nine more molting in a math desk somewhere if you want them. I'll make you a deal if you buy them all.
— Do the math with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.