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Necessity, it is said, is the mother of invention. But it seems to me that some of our greatest discoveries were stumbled upon by accident.
Which means I should have been the world's greatest inventor. But Mom and Dad kept interfering with science.
In the ninth century, Chinese alchemists worked furiously to find a formula for eternal life. The version of the formula that mixed saltpeter, sulfur and charcoal backfired. In a big way. Messing around with their chemistry set, they'd invented gunpowder.
In 1963, I mixed baking powder, sugar, Tide, Spic and Span, a Betty Crocker chocolate cake mix and two eggs on the kitchen floor. I also sparked an explosion. Spankings were still encouraged in those days.
In 1827, English pharmacist John Walker stirred a pot of chemicals that included antimony sulfide and potassium chlorate. When he tried to scratch the dried lump of chemicals off the end of the stick, he invented the match.
In 1963, I stirred a can of tar. A big lump dried on the end of the stick, which Dad referred to as his good baseball bat. Nothing happened when you struck the end of the stick, but Dad's hand lit a fire on the seat of my pants.
In 1933, Cleo and Noah McVicker created a putty to clean soot-covered walls. The invention of easier-to-clean vinyl wallpaper put the putty back in the can -- until a younger McVicker, Joe, figured out in 1956 that Cleo and Noah had accidentally invented Play-Doh.
In 1963, I licked a whole block of subscribe-to-these-magazine stamps and pasted them onto the dining room wall. Play-Doh didn't help. I discovered the corner.
In 1928, Scottish biologist Alexander Fleming had been running experiments on the influenza virus before leaving on a two-week vacation. He returned to find mold had contaminated the staphylococcus cultures and that the bacteria wouldn't grow anywhere near it. By not cleaning his room, Fleming invented penicillin.
In 1963, I left a tuna fish sandwich under my bed when we went away on a family vacation. I, too, discovered mold on our return. I decided to keep the discovery to myself. Somehow, Mom figured it out. I rediscovered the corner.
In 1945, Raytheon engineer Percy Spencer was trying to figure out energy sources for radar equipment. Then the chocolate bar in his pants melted. It was the accidental invention of the microwave oven.
In 1963, many things melted in the pockets of my pants, from chocolate to root beer suckers to a toad coated in chocolate and root beer. I discovered my middle name, which was used at high volume.
In 1903, a French chemist named Edouard Benedictus dropped a glass flask coated with plastic cellulose nitrate. The beaker shattered, yet held together. Butterfingered Benedictus invented safety glass.
In 1963, I dropped a glass on the front porch. I discovered milk is not a safety coating. That glasses of milk are to stay indoors. And how to use a mop.
In 1943, naval engineer Richard James was working with coils of metal as stabilizing devices on ships. He accidentally knocked one of the springs off a shelf, it "walked" across his desk. James had invented the Slinky.
In 1963, I knocked an entire shelf off the wall. Not a thing on the shelf walked. But I ran. I did not care to stick around to find out what I'd discovered this time.
I've lacked the heart to continue my career as a scientist since 1963. My folks say I invented high blood pressure. I think that's enough accidental inventing for one lifetime.
— Share your discoveries with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.