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It's probably best to stay in bed Friday. Unless you live with a joker. Then nowhere is safe.
So remember, if you can't join the witness protection program, beat them to the April Fool's Day prank punch.
(That's not my quote. Benjamin Franklin posted that adage on his Facebook page in 1782.)
For example, if you work at a building with a card key entrance, tape an official looking sign to the door that states, "All access points were updated to voice activation. Speak your full name clearly into the card reader to unlock."
Or, if the gullibility level at your workplace runs high, tape it to the refrigerator door.
Make sure to take video of people shouting at doors. It might become a YouTube sensation, even bigger than the time Abraham Lincoln uploaded that hilarious video in 1821 of when he threw copper chloride into the family fireplace to turn the flames blue. Great stuff.
Here are more ideas. Don't try these at home. Nope. Use your brother's home:
* Replace the doughnuts in a box with rice cakes or broccoli florets.
* Slip the family portrait off the wall, scan it into your Mac, and replace the faces with those of the Rolling Stones or the Beatles -- or turn the whole family into Justin Bieber.
* Cut a tiny hole in a caramel-filled chocolate Easter rabbit, let the gooey filling drain, and squirt it full of Stadium Mustard. Yum!
* Coat a bar of soap in clear nail polish and leave the now-suds-deficient bar in the shower for someone who thought she was going to get clean.
According to Huffington Post, soap zapped in the microwave rises to something that look a lot like a flaky, delicious crescent roll.
This was first discovered by President Rutherford B. Hayes, who zinged the whole White House staff one morning in 1879. Not only did his cabinet refuse any turnovers Hayes took to meetings the next three weeks, they also shied away from the Keurig, in case Hayes replaced the coffee in the K-Cups with potting soil.
* Change the language setting on your boss's computer. (A possible side effect is that maybe his memos will make more sense.)
* Does anyone in your home still use a hair dryer? Fill it with talcum powder. Or get a hole puncher, create a bunch of confetti, funnel it into the vents of your buddy's car. Leave the fan setting on high.
* Hard boil all the eggs and put them back in the carton. Or try the stunt I pulled on my poor mother -- empty the egg carton when she isn't looking, close it, and when she turns around, drop the whole box of "eggs" in front of her. Wear ear plugs.
* Fill juice cups with gelatin and serve it as a breakfast drink.
* Sneak out to the garage and roll down your dad's car window. Scatter broken glass on the concrete floor. Leave a hammer in the middle of the glass pile.
Yeah, that one's mean, and normally I wouldn't recommend it. But when Mark Twain pulled this stunt on his dad's Suburban in 1847 and tweeted the video, his Twitter account grew by 853,000 followers in one day. Amazing results.
On second thought, maybe staying in bed all day Friday would be safer for everyone.
— Enjoy April Fool's Day with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.