Cheapskate considers gift-giving

June 19, 2016

My wedding anniversary looms on the horizon and the stress is building. I have no idea what gift to give to my sweet and loving wife. I hear people talk about silk anniversaries, crystal anniversaries, ruby anniversaries, silver anniversaries and gold anniversaries. So far, ours have run more along the lines of cardstock and candy wrapper anniversaries. I’m breaking out in hives trying to guess if this is the year to graduate to cardboard. We’re not big spenders. Company dropped by the other day and I gave them a tour of our living room remodeling: “That’s the fireplace ...

Idioms rattle until the cows come home

June 5, 2016

The guy rattled on for some time before gushing, “Well, to make a long story short ...” Well, that ship had sailed. “... what happened next’ll will knock your socks off,” he said. You could bet the ranch that whenever this guy wrapped up his meandering monologue, my socks would remain firmly in place. But if one did blow off, I’d grab it and tell gabby to “put a sock in it.” I feared this guy would keep talking until the cows came home. Where, I wondered, had the cows wandered? Why isn’t anyone rounding them up? Instead, we kick up our heels and party down until ...

Brainpower loses punch as the years roll on by

May 29, 2016

I used to have a brain. I never took advantage of it. When my ability to think bubbled at full capacity, I squandered my gift in calculating which pizza place gave me the best deal per ounce and number of toppings, and memorizing the phone numbers of all the shops. (We didn’t have cellphones with programmable memories back then.) But now that I’m well into my 50s and driving straight to geezerhood, I can’t even figure out which shirt goes with which pants without broad general hints from my wife (“Wear that one”). OK, bad example. I never was good at matching my plaids ...

Snake-bit surprises bring bad news

May 22, 2016

Thoughtfulness is a dangerous business. I know. Never am I in more trouble than when I attempt to commit an act of kindness. Especially if my spouse is the intended kindee. I’m not alone. I read in the news last week that a guy named Bill dropped by the lawn and garden section of a home improvement store in Denver, N.C., to surprise his wife with flowers. I’m sure he figured such a blatant act of thoughtfulness would reap wondrous rewards. His grateful wife might throw her arms around, kiss him softly, and whisper those words he longed to hear: “Why don’t you watch the ball ...

Color him blue over reclaiming man cave

May 15, 2016

“All you have to do now is choose the paint color.” “Blue.” But of course, wall paint comes in colors dubbed “Flyaway” and “Calypso” and “Capri” and “Sky Fall,” but never, ever just plain “blue.” I rubbed my temples. Why, exactly, must the room be painted before I can reclaim it as my mini man cave? Once upon a time, it was my son’s bedroom. A couple of years after he moved on, I converted it into my home office. Out went the bed and toy boxes. In went my desk, chair and bookshelves. And no paint brushes were dipped, daubed or otherwise harmed in ...

Updates upload only much electronic frustration

May 8, 2016

When I was a kid, I believed that tiny people — fairies, probably — lived inside television sets and staged the shows. Now that I’m an adult, I know the truth. The tiny people — gremlins, probably — live inside my laptop computer and pull the ever-annoying “New! Improved!” prank. You know the one. You’re tappity-tap-tapping away at your keyboard when one of the gremlins whips out the “Windows will shut down your computer in 15 minutes to install important updates. Close all programs now” pop-up. “I’m trying to work here!” I shout at the ...