Good grief, I’m good, but is that a bad thing?

July 31, 2016

We set up my author’s table at the Westmoreland Arts & Heritage Festival and spent three days selling the children’s books I wrote. Since they’re humor novels set on a farm, we also passed out animal stickers to any kids who wanted them. (Sometimes, the “kids” looked to be 60 or 70 years old. We gave them stickers, anyway. We don’t card people who want to wear farm animal stickers.) This may surprise you, but not everyone wanted to wear a pig, chicken or cow. They informed us of this decision with the same two words: “I’m good.” For three days, we heard that ...

Pirates plunder others’ words, even pre-emptively

July 24, 2016

Much to-do over a twice-done speech was made last week. It’s far from the first time plagiarism reared its ugly, photocopied head. It’s like the late, great guitarist Jimi Hendrix once said, “I’ve been imitated so well, I’ve heard people copy my mistakes.” At least I think he said that. I pasted the quote straight from the internet, so it must be true. As I’ve often said, plagiarism is the wrongful appropriation and stealing and publication of another author’s language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions and the representation of them as one’s own original work. No ...

Here’s looking at you, Big Type

July 17, 2016

I checked out library books from the Large Print section. On purpose.The times and the eyes, they are a-changin'. As is where I do my book browsing.I used to chuckle at old people who took off their glasses to see. Senility setting in, I figured. Why else pop off the peepers to peer at pages?I haven't completely ruled out senility. But the same glasses that make it possible for me to distinguish shapes more than six feet away blur the fine print at six inches. Instead of trying to find the sweet spot on my bifocals, it's easier to yank off the goggles, pull the paper to the tip of my ...

How do your weeds grow?

July 10, 2016

I do not have a vegetable garden. I’m not opposed to gardens, nor do I harbor any animosity toward those who engage in such activities. On the contrary, Mary, I ardently support how your garden grows — as long as I’m not drafted to do the weeding. Some people remember their childhoods as endless summers. I remember mine as endless plant-pullings. And endless green beans. Is there any other plant that produces fruit — I mean, vegetables — as rabbit-rapidly as green beans? Mom would send us kids into the garden with a bundle of peck baskets and expect us to drag them ...

It’s all how you use the extra brain cells

July 3, 2016

Editor’s note: Burt is on vacation, though from what, we’re not sure. While he’s resting his brain, we present this neuron-filled Cole Classic, originally published March 12, 2000. xxxx Yes, that’s right. Men have more brain cells than women. It is a well-established, scientific fact, dating clear back to two weeks ago sometime. Established scientists spent 10 years counting each neuron — the fancy word for brain cells — in 11 volunteer cadavers. The final score: Men, 299,052 neurons on the average; women, 264,892. That’s 34,160 more brain cells for the guys. What ...

Gramps groans at mention of missed midlife crisis

June 26, 2016

I missed the exit ramp for Midlife Crisis Avenue. I got stuck in traffic and zipped right on down Life's Highway, and never slowed down until my tire blew out at Senior Moments Crossroads.Pardon the motorized metaphors. It's just that I've grown wistfully nostalgic for the Corvette I never had. A Corvette is why I wanted a midlife crisis.A midlife crisis, as I understood it, is when your age is inappropriate for your behavior. When you throw inhibitions and common sense out the window. When you go white-water rafting even though you've never before paddled either a kayak or a canoe, and ...