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My wedding anniversary looms on the horizon and the stress is building. I have no idea what gift to give to my sweet and loving wife.
I hear people talk about silk anniversaries, crystal anniversaries, ruby anniversaries, silver anniversaries and gold anniversaries.
So far, ours have run more along the lines of cardstock and candy wrapper anniversaries. I'm breaking out in hives trying to guess if this is the year to graduate to cardboard.
We're not big spenders.
Company dropped by the other day and I gave them a tour of our living room remodeling: "That's the fireplace TV stand that Melissa gave us for Christmas, and that's Brian and Darla's old flat-screen on top of it, and Jay dropped off the sound system he's no longer using. Some day, I'm going to hook them all up so we can sit on the couch we found in the classifieds for $40 and relax."
I was raised in a cheap family where we washed the paper plates after picnics.
(OK, not really. I thought Dad was serious when he told me do the dishes. I'd nearly perfected cleaning baked bean stains without scrubbing a hole through the paper plate when my family caught me at the sink and burst into laughter. But Dad didn't buy plates for the next picnic. We just didn't leave our buttered corn-on-the-cob in the middle of the dish or it would rip through the bottom.)
With that kind of upbringing, gift-giving gives me the heebie-jeebies.
The flip side is I hardly ever get disappointed when I'm the recipient because I don't know how to have high hopes.
I studied an online list of Father's Day gifts in hopes of scouting my potential bounty today. I figured out quickly that I wasn't getting anything. Not at those prices.
First up were soft, comfy slippers. I was excited -- until I noticed the price tag of $110. And the picture showed only one slipper. Does that mean it would cost $220 to buy both feet? Either way, it would be neither foot for me.
A few screen flips away, I found a pair of floral-print pants. It's sort of like a Hawaiian shirt for your knees. And they cost $128 a pair.
I don't believe I've ever worn a piece of clothing that cost $100 or more. I grew up in hand-me-downs from my cousins. Now my wife shops at the finest of secondhand stores, stocking me with all the $3 shirts my wardrobe can handle. Once she splurged and paid $18 for a pair of jeans. I was ashamed to be associated with such extravagance. But they did fit pretty well.
Another screen suggested giving dad a bag of chocolate-dipped potato chips for a mere $30.
Thirty dollars? Not my family. I'd get a bag of chips -- the $1.19 size bag -- and a two-buck bottle of chocolate syrup. They'd hand me one of the paper picnic bowls I washed and tell me to pour in the chips and chocolate, and have a blast.
We're cheap.
But I think I can do this. I bet I can come up with an anniversary gift that will give Terry chills. And I can do it myself.
I recall some skills I learned in vacation Bible schools growing up. All I need is cardboard, Elmer's glue and a box of elbow macaroni. I'm going to make the most awesome macaroni rooster she's ever received.
I'll even spray-paint it gold. Unless it's bad form to mix a golden anniversary with a cardboard-and-macaroni anniversary.
Special occasions are far too stressful for the thrifty.
— Advise Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.