Questions rain like dogs and cats

September 27, 2015

It’s been a random kind of week, the sort that leaves me with more questions than answers. For example: * I heard a discussion on the radio about which is correct, “bacon and eggs” or “eggs and bacon”? I think it’s “bacon and eggs,” but apparently some people are ready to fight for “eggs and bacon.” And remember when your parents told you to “put on your shoes and socks”? Did you ever try to follow those specific orders? The common phrase is “peanut butter and jelly,” which also serves as a step-by-step recipe, so why don’t we say “socks and ...

Red face clears over white beard when green saved

September 20, 2015

It’s gotta be the beard. Surely, it can’t be the wrinkles. They’re more like the Modest Canyon, not etched Grand Canyon deep. It can’t be the pops and creaks when I walk. The little stoop should muffle those. It can’t be the way I dress or the way I talk. I found the threads that were so groovy in high school at Goodwill, and I still can sing all the lyrics to Three Dog Night’s greatest hits. So it’s gotta be my snow-white beard. Though I can’t figure why the little twerps just assume that white hair means multiple laps around the calendar. It happened the ...

Married life hamstrings date night

September 13, 2015

I almost went on a date with my wife. Once again, life logjammed logistics. When did it become so difficult for married couples to schedule a night out together? Ever since Terry and I vowed to spend the rest of our lives together, we’ve spent the rest of our lives trying to get together. Kids, parents, meetings, medical emergencies, chores, work — everything rolls into one great big conspiracy to keep couples apart. It hasn’t helped that Terry and I worked opposite shifts most of our married life. About the time she set sail home from her day job, I’d cast off for my night ...

Eat the way to good health

September 6, 2015

EDITOR’S NOTE: Cole, the big baby, was out all last week, sick. He says. So today, we bring you a Cole Classic originally published Sept. 23, 2001, in which Burt presents more of his theories of how to stay healthy. It explains a lot. xxx It’s an argument I’ve been making for years: Chocolate is a health food. Really. According to this month’s Reader’s Digest, my favorite medical magazine, a University of California researcher pointed out that cacao beans are high in the antioxidant compound flavonoids. Obviously, we need flavonoids. I think. I’m not really sure ...

Seasons of September to remember

August 30, 2015

Several eons ago when I was in elementary school, the teacher assigned us to write an essay about our favorite month. I chose September. The salient points included summer reruns gave way to a new season of my favorite TV show (“Get Smart”) and that all four major sports — football, baseball, basketball and hockey — were in full swing. Actually, the NBA doesn’t tip off until November. I figured October preseason games were almost September. I wasn’t sure when hockey started or what it was other than it involved sticks, skates and an overbaked biscuit. The true reason I ...

Some facts too creepy

August 23, 2015

There’s nothing like scientific discovery to twist a perfectly good day into a tumult of terror. Take, for example, this little pleasantry: “The average person accidentally eats 430 bugs each year of his life.” That’s 430 accidental buggy bites. Every. Single. Year. Almost one and a quarter creepy crawlies a day. Which means I’ve personally popped close to 24,000 flies, gnats, spiders, ants and possibly centipedes during my lifetime. So far. Gee, Science, thanks for letting me know. I learned this lovely little lump of lore after plugging the words “weird science ...