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I am fat -- sturdy; I meant to say sturdy -- because I am married. Science says so.
New research released last week shows that men eat twice as much when dining with women than they do eating alone or with other men. The conclusion, according to the study from Cornell University: "Men overeat to show off."
So there you have it. I take meals with my wife -- and I wouldn't have it any other way -- and by now, she's just gotta be impressed. You can verify that with the bathroom scale.
The Cornell study concurs with a University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study I cited in 2009, which concludes that married and other cohabitating couples are twice as likely to abound chubbily ever after than those who are just dating.
So the love handles aren't my fault. They're my sweetie's.
Isn't this an awesome age to be alive? There's no need to take any personal responsibility for your actions. Science will figure out the blame belongs to somebody else.
Anyway, the Cornell study, published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science, states that researchers stalked 105 adults lunching at an all-you-can-eat Italian buffet over two weeks. Men dining with one or more women ate 93 percent more pizza and 86 percent more salad than men eating alone or with other men.
Women ate about the same no matter what, though they stated they overate and felt rushed through their meal when dining with men.
This is the power that women have over us. Guys will do most anything -- as long as it's stupid -- to impress the female gender.
On some playground right now, some knucklehead boy yelling, "Watch this!" is trying to do a handstand on his bicycle seat while cruising past a bench full of little girls. The bike will smack into a tree and the boy will end up in an emergency room, but it will be totally worth it because a bench full of girls noticed him.
(Of course, by "notice," we mean they will be laughing hysterically over idiotic things boys do.)
Then we become teenage boys who basically shower in colognes with names like Axe and Tag. This is why you see those videos now and again of a pyramid of cheerleaders collapsing -- the young ladies were gagging on aftershave fumes.
From there, we graduate to really awesome stupid things like driving too fast, singing karaoke, signing up for adventure sports when climbing stairs gives us nosebleeds, and taking our dates to ballets or art exhibits and pretending we know what it's about.
But, of course, none of it is our fault. We are inspired by you, lovely ladies. Ask the guys from Cornell peeking from behind the fake plants at the pizza buffet.
— Revel at Cole's latest stupid stunts at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. Or find him at the buffet.