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Editor's note: Burt is on vacation, though from what, we're not sure. While he's resting his brain, we present this neuron-filled Cole Classic, originally published March 12, 2000.
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Yes, that's right. Men have more brain cells than women.
It is a well-established, scientific fact, dating clear back to two weeks ago sometime.
Established scientists spent 10 years counting each neuron -- the fancy word for brain cells -- in 11 volunteer cadavers. The final score: Men, 299,052 neurons on the average; women, 264,892.
That's 34,160 more brain cells for the guys.
What does this mean to you in practical terms, especially if you are a guy looking for an advantage? With all those extra cells floating around, you, the brainy guy, are smart enough to know there's no point wasting all that brain power on things such as birth dates, cleaning out the garage or matching stripes and plaids.
No, you have the insight to understand the brain was meant for better uses.
Naps come to mind.
Women have no idea how tiring it can be carrying all that extra knowledge around wherever we go. University of Cincinnati researcher Dr. Gabrielle M. de Courten-Myers, who worked with scientists at the University of Lausanne in Switzerland to count brain cells, claimed, "It doesn't necessarily make them any smarter than females. But it might help explain why males, in general, are better in math."
I assume she means things like memorizing batting averages for the entire Cleveland Indians lineup, because all my extra neurons didn't seem to be enough in geometry. Then again, I don't think geometry is real math.
Actually, it's what the acorn said after it fell to ground, got buried, then sprouted up big and strong: "Gee, I'm a tree!"
Ha, ha! Just a little intellectual humor there. That's what 34,160 extra watts of brain power will do.
Besides giving one the ability to appreciate well-reasoned comedy, such as high-brow art of classics like the Three Stooges, de Courten-Myers says it also may help men focus on tasks better, such as solving a problem or sensing where they are.
Focus is important. It's why men can read a paper without hearing the phone ring or see that garbage needs taking out or that the dog is chewing up her dress shoes.
Women, with fewer neurons, just don't have the same concentration and are always getting distracted from perfectly good wrestling shows by such trivial matters as laundry or dishes or the house is burning down.
And, left to our own devices, we don't get lost. Apparently, that only happens when there is a female presence in the car diluting the average number of brain cells.
Hey, don't yell at me. I'm just reporting scientific facts.
"Here's what it means," de Courten-Myers told The Associated Press. "It really is much easier if the female drives and the male reads the maps. The other way around leads to many disputes."
I know most guys hate giving up the steering wheel, but let's use those 34,160 extra neurons and think about this. It's not such a bad idea.
First, glance at the map. Secondly, tell her which way to go. Next, lean the seat back, place the map over your face, use your powers of focus to tune out the kids, and take a nap.
After doing all the heavy thinking, you need a rest.
— Send e-mail to burtseyevu@aol.com. Cole will read them as soon as he wakes up from his nap.