Where did all of the time go? Let’s add it up

July 2, 2017

As the great philosophers The Steve Miller Band so profoundly once said, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.” According to various polls and researchers, before you slip into your final future, you will have spent an accumulative six months of your life waiting at red lights, another six months waiting in lines, three years doing laundry and a mere 27 days being romantic. Yep, far more of your life will be spent up to your elbows in stinky socks and soiled shorts than sighing in sweet cuddles watching sunsets. Here’s what else I discovered while ...

‘The more the merrier’ not true for introverts

June 25, 2017

I like people — as long as I don't have to interact with any. It's like walking through the zoo: I'm amused by the exhibits, but as soon as a person escapes his habitat and charges me with a smile and outstretched hand, I run for cover. It's not that I can't carry on a conversation. I'm pretty good at faking ease and comfort for up to three or four minutes at a time. But really, 10 minutes is plenty of time to spend at any get-together. Twenty if there's food. Hello, my name is Burton and I'm an introvert. Are we done yet? According to researchers, we introverts prefer ...

The Internet says I’m rich — maybe a Google search will help me find the money

June 17, 2017

The Internet is a fascinating place. For example, I just discovered on one of those reliable Internet search sites that my household income falls between $100,000 and $150,000, and that my personal net worth "based on census data" ranges up to $250,000. Had I known this sooner, I would have opted for cheese on my drive-through hamburger. Apparently, I can afford it. My bank disagrees. "But you can Google it," I pointed out to the teller. "You can also Google '10 Things Your Doctor Doesn't Want You to Know; Number Four Will Make Your Jaw Drop,'" the teller said. "I clicked on it. My ...

For handsome or handy, hammer and duct tape handled most repairs

June 11, 2017

The great philosopher Red Green states, “Remember, if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” In that case, I am way beyond movie star handsome. I am drop-dead gorgeous. That’s why my wife did a drop-dead faint the last time I attempted something handy in the house. My carpentry skills rival those of carpenter ants, except that I can bring down the building a lot faster. Or I could if I was allowed to use power tools. “Oh, don’t use that, sweetheart,” my wife begged the last time I plugged in a power tool. “I wouldn’t want it to get ...

Wake up and smell the chocolate chip cookies

June 4, 2017

Science says sleep deprivation can cause the brain to eat itself. This is why I always keep a healthy stash of chocolate chip cookies in my desk. Give the brain a choice between mushy gray cells or chocolate brown chips and my suspicion is it will chomp the cookies every time. Think about it. In some parts of the world, dishes like monkeys’ brains are considered delicacies. I suspect these would be the parts of the world we refer to as “undeveloped.” You can’t be considered an advanced civilization if you lack a decent Toll House recipe. It sure seems like intelligence to me ...

I forget what it’s like to remember

May 27, 2017

I’m worried about my wife. She can’t remember anything anymore. She’s much too young to have grown this forgetful. I mean, she’s only... her birthday is... I should probably look that up. Anyway, the other day, I followed the coils of the garden hose through the yard to find water blasting out the end. I charged into the house. “Terry, did you forget something?” She scratched her head. Checked her pockets. Studied the ceiling. And rolled her eyes. “If I forgot, how would I know?” she said. “By definition, if I remember something, then it’s not forgotten. If I ...