More than the dogs can celebrate the days of August

August 6, 2017

Let me be the first to wish you a happy National Root Beer Float Day. What, you didn’t know? Probably not, if your wall calendar is like mine. August appears to be pretty bland in the holiday department. Blank, in fact. There’s nothing to do in August but melt. Not so, according to the various keepers of the not-so-common observances. For example, today, Aug. 6, not only is National Root Beer Float Day, but it’s also National Fresh Breath Day, National Sisters Day, National Doll Day, American Family Day, National Friendship Day, Wiggle Your Toes Day, and Mustard Day. So slap ...

Burt says Burt can do this illeism thing as only Burt can

July 30, 2017

Burt read a report that illeism — that annoying trait of referring to oneself in the third person — might actually be healthy and beneficial. This is good news because until now, Burt thought it would be unhealthy to the extent that someone would slap him silly if he didn’t cut it out. Psychology researchers at Michigan State University and the University of Michigan concluded that quietly talking to oneself in the third person during stressful times may help a person keep his or her cool. This is why Elmo of Sesame Street fame is the least stressed-out guy in the world despite ...

Sew, jest hau due ewe spill thet wurd, anyweigh?

July 27, 2017

I saw the most amazing thing on Facebook the other day. Under the photo of a cuddly kid, someone commented, “Aw.” Finally, someone got it right! “Aw,” as in “how cute,” is the interjection social media misspellers usually mean when they type “awe.” The noun “awe” depicts an overwhelming feeling of reverence or fear for something grand or powerful. The willy-nilly swapping of “aw” and “awe” on social media drives grammar nuts and spelling geeks buggy. Back when I was boy, if we chiseled the wrong symbols onto our stone tablets, our teachers made us clean ...

Sew, jest hau due ewe spill thet wurd, anyweigh?

July 23, 2017

I saw the most amazing thing on Facebook the other day. Under the photo of a cuddly kid, someone commented, "Aw." Finally, someone got it right! "Aw," as in "how cute," is the interjection social media misspellers usually mean when they type "awe." The noun "awe" depicts an overwhelming feeling of reverence or fear for something grand or powerful. The willy-nilly swapping of "aw" and "awe" on social media drives grammar nuts and spelling geeks buggy. Back when I was boy, if we chiseled the wrong symbols onto our stone tablets, our teachers made us clean the dinosaur pens for a week. ...

Hopeless millennial or a senior having moments?

July 16, 2017

I'm a lot younger than I feel. Or than the calendar claims I am. I chanced upon this happy news reading a newspaper article in which researchers rate millennials as hopeless when it comes to basic life skills. I thought I had life skills down pretty well. The truth is, I don't have life skills; I have a wife. If there was no Terry to tell me what to do, a search party probably would find me expired in my easy chair with an empty water bottle at my elbow and an unfinished game of solitaire blinking from the laptop perched on my knobby knees. There'd be holes in my T-shirt and flies ...

Summertime and the sayings are easy

July 9, 2017

It was the great philosopher James Dent who said, “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.” You’re not going to believe this but my lawn mower is broken. No, really, it is. Besides, as the great philosopher Oriana Green put it, “I am Summer, come to lure you away from your computer come dance on my fresh grass, dig your toes into my beaches.” So grab a bottle of water from the cooler, pull up a beach chair, and let’s soak in more famous summer saws from sunny soothsayers: “Everything ...