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Burton Cole column

Getting older definitely has some upsides

I shake my head when I think back to the days I was young and naive. I remember it so well because it was only last week. I suffer a birthday every September or so, and one of those critters just scampered past. So now that I’m older and wiser, what have I learned? • “Senior moments” are a blessing. It used to be when I fumbled or forgot something, people glared. Now they chuckle about my “senior moment.” Nope. I’ve always been this absent-minded. But since my beard turned white, I get a pass. Pretty cool. • Senior discounts are wonderful. Embarrassed about my age? Not ...

The prenuptial compatibility quiz you should take

Question: Shouldn’t marriage licenses include mandatory compatibility testing before couples engage in matrimonial deadlock? Answer: My wife and I are fine, thanks. We’re still crazy about each other other. Q: And sometimes, just crazy? A: Well... Q: Prenuptial worksheets designed to bring out thoughts are feelings are fine, but what about the practical stuff? A: Uh... Q: Here’s one no one ever talks about before the wedding — what is the correct setting for the thermostat? A: Oh, no. I’m not answering that one. It’s a law of physics that “cold” people marry ...

Dreamed of being the janitor

Other kids wanted to grow up to be firefighters, football players, dinosaur wranglers or things like that. I wanted to be the school janitor. Mr. Humphrey, the janitor at Monroe Elementary, was a giant of a man — he must have been 7 or 8 feet tall — in a smoky gray work uniform who had the biggest collection of keys I’d ever seen dangling from a massive ring clipped to his belt loop. Mr. Humphrey jangled when he walked. He wasn’t like that teacher who tried to sneak up and catch us in the act of drawing hilarious portraits of her, complete with fangs, snake hair and nose ...

Turn off, tune out and drop into predigital thinking

My wife looked up from her smartphone. “Remember when we had to seek answers?” I paused the YouTube video. “Sure. Wait, what?” “We used to ask God why. Now we ask Google.” “Why go on faith when you can go online?” “Exactly. A few taps of the screen and boom, you have ready-made opinions in pixels.” I moused to the weather tab. The laptop window reported sunny. That explained the light coming through the living room window. “Kids today. They have no idea how to think for themselves.” Terry swiped at her phone screen. “See, it says here that the World Wide ...

I, Burton Cole, being of sound Secret Squirrel mind…

I have yet to declare my last will and testament for two compelling reasons. The first is that my heirs have seen my possessions and suggested that I take them with me. Second — and more problematic than the first point — I would have to swear to be of sound mind. Apparently, people suspect otherwise when you write all your legal documents on Cap’n Crunch stationery. With a watermelon-scented pink marker. But I consider it abnormal when alleged adults don’t keep cans of Play-Doh in their desk drawers and issues of Donald Duck at their bedsides. What’s the point of being a ...

Sometimes, duct tape serves as best spousal communication tool

My wife stewed. And I don’t mean making a hearty soup in the kitchen. Oh, no. She glowered from her chair in frosty silence — which isn’t easy to pull off when there’s steam rolling out your ears. Husbands fear this moment. So I took her hand and cooed, “Is supper ready yet?” No, no, of course I didn’t say that. I might be crazy but I’m not stupid. What I really said was, “What’s wrong, Sweetheart?” “Nothing.” Hoo boy. This was worse that I thought. Being a veteran husband, I still knew better than to ask about dinner. Instead, I asked, “What can I do to ...