Valentine’s Day wings its way across the calendar this week, but according to a marketing survey more than a third of you — OK, us — won’t spend a cent on it. (The survey said nothing about the after Valentine’s chocolate sales, which is when I spend my loving loot. It may be ...
Ah, February, when a young man’s fancy turns to... Actually, I can’t recall. Too many decades have fluttered past since I’ve been a young man. But I can say with some authority that a cranky old geezer’s fancy turns to chocolate. And why not? The more doses of chocolate with which we ...
I opened my underwear drawer and shrieked. “Terry! Somebody’s staring at me from beneath my boxers!” “Shh. You’ll wake the baby,” my wife whispered. “The baby’s 32 years old and lives 10 miles away,” I shouted. Terry patted my forearm. “What has you so worked up?” I ...
If the forecast proves true, you’re reading this with all the lights on because mountains of snow are blocking your windows. Then again, you might be wearing shorts and sandals, soaking up the sun on your front porch. Weather prognosticators were rather iffy on how much snow was coming this ...
I don’t scream at the sight of a spider. Horror movies bore me. Rather than run, I relish the chance to speak in front of large crowds. But there is one thing that positively sends chills up and down my goosebumps: Someone asking for directions. I freeze. I forget if north is to the left or ...
Random thoughts for the new year: • Life should come with background music. It would clear up a lot of confusion and possibly save lives. In movies and TV shows, when a character utters an important point, Boom! the big crescendo tells us so. We know to pay attention. If we hear the ...
Way back in fourth grade, I tried to calculate my odds of living long enough to see the year 2000. I’d have to be something like 40 years old — ancient! As if ANYONE could live that long. Now we’re about to welcome the year 2019, and I’ll be something like 60 years — which seems ...
Alfred, Lord Tennyson once opined, “In the spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” Burton, Columnist Cole’s Corollary asserts, “At Christmastime, an old man’s fancy heavily turns to thoughts of lost toys.” It’s true. Every year, I sort through the piles ...
I swooned when I heard her say those three little words: “You’re thinning out.” My buttons fairly burst — and this time not at stomach level. “Since I quit guzzling Coca-Cola and laid off downing a dozen chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, I’m down several notches on my belt ...
Christmas is the most action-packed time of the year. December is the only month that I’m permitted to handle real tools. True, the tool is only a handsaw. Even at Christmastime, I am forbidden power tools. My sweetie fears she’d lose too much decorating time driving me to the emergency ...
My ambition as an 8-year-old boy was to become a spy. The TV lineups in the 1960s brimmed with spy shows. My course of study included “Mission:Impossible,” “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” and “I Spy.” Unfortunately, my greatest inspirations were Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86 of ...
Somehow, Terry tricked me into going shopping with her. I’m sure a candy store was mentioned, but we never got to one. “Let me drive,” I said. “I know where the candy store’s at.” “The last time I let you drive, we ended up at the zoo.” I smiled. “Yeah. I know.” “We ...
I don’t know many Thanksgiving carols. For that blessing, anyone within listening distance can be grateful. Or maybe they wish I knew different turkey songs. Only one comes to mind, and it jiggles around my brain like a glob of cranberry sauce: “A turkey sat on the backyard fence / and ...
The big trend in houses is tiny. The smaller the home, the better. This is yet another reason why Terry and I won’t be turning trendy anytime soon. I’ve got too many books. I can imagine the scene if we tried to downsize to fit into a tiny home: “Seriously, I think it’s safe to toss ...
Editor’s note: The jolly ol’ elf is taking the week off. But he sent this Cole Classic first published Nov. 4, 2001, by a chubby carrier pigeon. I am not trying to disrupt any healthy habits in which otherwise normal Americans may be participating. I only offer this as a point worth ...
I’ve reached those awkward years — old enough to be showered with senior discounts but too young to retire. I qualified for AARP about a decade ago, but Medicare won’t look at me for another five years — possibly seven. And I hear that the customary retirement age could jump to 70 or ...
Ten years ago this month, two kids barely in their 40s (we were about to turn 50) stood before a congregation full of witnesses and said those famous matrimonial words: “Sure, why not?” No, no, no. Like I said, we were hitting the half-century mark. There was no time to waste on ...
“Think thin” is more than an old catchphrase. Researchers in Australia say dieters lose five times as much weight by visualizing themselves slender. That sounds a lot easier than huffing through crunches, puffing through laps and grunting refusals of seconds. This is mind over matter. And ...
I’m moving to Oregon. Or possibly Arizona. But I’ll bypass Louisiana and Oklahoma. I base my relocation plans on the vital “Top Halloween Candy by State” interactive map posted at CandyStore.com. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups rank No. 1 in Oregon, followed by M&M’s and candy ...
Other than husbandese, I do not speak a foreign language. (I hadn’t considered husbandese a foreign language until I saw the consternation that crossed my wife’s face whenever I tried to explain a simple concept — such as how my socks ended up next to cheese in the refrigerator.) I ...