When telemarketers attack: How NOT to get a sale

August 11, 2019

I’m certain I’ve mentioned it at least once already. Hey, I’m getting up there, bear with my foggy memory. Back when I was a senior in college, I had a part-time job as a telemarketer. It was — how do you say? — abysmal. I seem to recall most of my paycheck going to Olan Mills’ studio toward portrait packages, which is, of course, what I was ostensibly “selling.” And by “selling,” I mean begging my mom, sister and closest friends to buy ’em. I’m not sure where good old Olan has locations now, but I need to check because I’m fairly sure I’ve got at ...

How about we just treat everyone well, m’kay?

August 4, 2019

You can tell a lot about a man by _________________ . That blank has been filled by many a famous human. German Jewish philosopher and essayist Walter Benjamin said: “You can tell a lot about a man by the books he keeps — his taste, his interest, his habits.” Well that’s logical. Obviously, you aren’t likely to house a library full of murder mysteries if you’re terribly squeamish and not, at least a little bit, suspiciously minded. And no one’s hanging onto scads of sci-fi novels if they’re all about mushy love stories. I suppose Benjamin’s theory makes ...

Sexes are so different they’re a galaxy apart

July 28, 2019

Mars and Venus. How far apart are they, really? I mean, I remember the third-grade acronym clarifying the proper order of the third rock and our neighboring planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. The way I recall it is, “My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Potatoes.” Yes, POTATOES. Although I always said pickles in my own head... ’cause I love pickles. I digress. Potatoes or pickles belie the point — the P in the abbreviation stands for Pluto because it is a planet. Oh yes, it is, ding dang it! That’s what I was ...

The grocery store — a food mart or alternate universe?

July 21, 2019

If you know me at all, you know that PK’s got a few, well, um, let’s just call them by their proper monikers, shall we? They are my obsessions. Hey, we’ve all got our stuff. Don’t pretend you’re immune. At least I own it. Whatever. Anyhoo, said fixations include but are not necessarily limited to: • The boy. I know, quite a shocker; my kid tops the list. #Duh • La famiglia. That amazing kid came from somewhere, right? • Faith. I’m a card-carrying member of the Holy Trinity fan club, you dig? If you aren’t already acquainted, you might want to check ’em ...

Confusing concepts continue to clear my cerebral clutch

July 14, 2019

I like to think of myself as reasonably, marginally bright. You know, clever enough to string together a sentence, sharp enough to follow concise directions. Unless they are in any way relating to geography. In that sense, I am far below average intelligence. Like, really far. But as moderately astute as I like to imagine myself, there are just some things about life on earth completely beyond my cerebral clutch, capisce? Stuff I just plain old, don’t get. For instance: • Why does less-processed food cost more money? • Why are there so many brown M&Ms and so few blue? • ...

Mama ‘Murica lets freedom ring for 243 years

July 7, 2019

Looks like our motherland might be having a little 243-year-itch, you know what I’m sayin’? What with it being the weekend of Independence Day and all, I thought I’d give her some love ... or at least a bit of a scratch. I really can’t blame the old girl for being a little put off with her kids these days. Yikes, I’m sorry for that Mom ’Murica. You aren’t OLD! BT dubs, by most countries’ standards, she’s still a spring chicken at 243, so let’s make sure she gets the message that she’s still a gal in her prime. I digress. From the first days when the humans ...