On behalf of all the loners: Leave us alone!

February 9, 2020

I have to say that I’ve felt this way for quite some time now. It’s just that I’m always hesitant to broach a topic that could easily be construed as controversial. Especially in the current political climate, I am reticent even to mention the subject. But, no. You know what? This country was founded on certain indisputable rights (I never spell inalienable correctly, so I cheated there). Anyway, freedom of speech is a biggie, ding dang it. So, I will state my piece. Hmpf. Because there is a certain faction of the populous in these United States that I feel is treated ...

Punxsutawney Phil is a liar; 49ers are doomed

February 2, 2020

The thing about Groundhog Day and the Super Bowl being on the same day is — other than the fact that it’s only happened once before — it’s just double the depression for old PK. Here’s why: No. 1: There’ll never NOT be more winter after Groundhog Day. Look, I’m sorry to toss such shade his way but PA’s Punxsutawney Phil always burns me, and not with UV rays, you dig? Dude hardly ever sees his dumb shadow and even when he does, it’s clearly just from the brilliance of 8 bazillion mega-watt bulbs from 5,000 TV cameras blaring on him, not sunlight. They can call him ...

It’s been winter for 35 days — might as well be 35 years!

January 26, 2020

It’s been a month and 24 hours since Christmas, even though it seems like that was decades ago. The calendar’s been stuck on winter for 35 days so far — yet each one feels like a YEAR to we cold-weather haters. Sorry snow fans, but I haven’t felt my fingers or toes in weeks. #RaynaudsDisease It’s not yet Groundhog Day, that annual facade whereby we exploit, manipulate and basically lightboard (as opposed to waterboarding) an innocent, unsuspecting rodent into becoming the poster boy for dashed dreams of a shortened winter solstice. Nine times out of 10, he “sees his ...

Fashion trends are confusing and some need to go away

January 19, 2020

Ever since that episode of “Sex and the City” in which Carrie Bradshaw made an argument for it, I’ve taken the WIDE liberty of considering myself something of an artist. Hey! I can hear y’all laughing all the way from here. Unnecessarily hurtful. Ahem. As I was saying, the fictional columnist defended herself (and me and all writers, really) as such when unexpectedly faced with her nemesis while trying on clothes at a dress shop. Her ex-boyfriend’s new stylish, 5-foot-10-inch model of a wife emerged from a dressing room looking radiant and flawless, while little 5-foot-2, ...

Christmas contraband coffee creamer coveted

January 12, 2020

Well, it’s only a matter of days now. Hours, really, if you want to get technical. Soon and very soon, I’m going to burn through my entire supply. The whole stockpile. Poof! And then... life will take a very dark turn for PK, folks. It’ll be a sad, sad day, one lamented until the very moment sometime in (hopefully!) September when they come back. No, I’m not talking about the reindeer. Nor those icky elves that go on shelves. (Shudder — those things creep me out.) I don’t mean the cookies, the carols, the Hallmark movies, the cranberry sauce, the chestnuts or the ...

Pick a resolution and don’t feeling guilty if it’s self-love

January 5, 2020

You say you need a resolution? Well, you know, it’s true, we all wanna change ... um, lots of stuff, I suppose. Mostly personal, am I right? It is a fact that, just as the earth dwellers have done from cave-critter days through the log cabin phase up to the present flip-this-house day, we take this time at the first part of the first month of a new year, decade and potentially era (hey, this could be another “Roaring ’20s” for all we know), and begin the ritual. Indeed, oaths, vows, declarations, promises and pledges to self are being made throughout the whole of the third ...