Vote for belly rubs and biscuits

October 23, 2016

As another political season chock full of prickly primaries, vicious debates and campaign ads of dubious reliability wrestles to a weary end, I can confidently say I am well-informed on one fact: For trustworthy messages, I will depend on my dog. Let’s examine one prominent political race that’s been all the rage — and believe me there’s been plenty of rage. Campaign ads started with Candidate A — let’s call this person Frick — spouting off all the wonders he or she would do if elected. My dog would do the same. Then the second candidate — Frack — aired grievances ...

Too much talking deafens art of listening

October 16, 2016

My ninth grade Latin teacher was famous for — when we’d once again failed to follow her directions — glaring at us and booming, “How do you listen?” We hoped that one of us would be brave enough to pipe up, “With my knees? Why, did I muck that up, too?” None of us ever worked up that kind of courage. Even at barely 5 feet tall, Latin teachers are pretty scary creatures, especially when they get riled and start slinging “veni, vidi, vicis” all over the room. It’s not pretty. Flash forward 40-some years and I still get the same question. Only this time, it’s from ...

Dust mites mighty tricky when making beds

October 9, 2016

“It happened again!” I grabbed my wife by the hand and tugged her toward the bedroom. “You’ve gotta see this.” Terry looked right. Left. Up. Down. And shrugged. “What?” I spread my arms. “The bed. Can’t you see it?” “Big flat thing with pillows on it? Center left of the room? Flanked by nightstands? I believe I noticed it.” “Well?” “At risk of repeating myself, what?” I slapped my forehead. “It’s made!” “Yeah?” “When I left this morning, it was a rumpled mess, with the bedspread bunched on the floor where I kicked it off in the ...

The right tool for the job is always a loose screw

October 2, 2016

It took me three nights over two weeks, but I rehung that section of gutter that had fallen from the edge of our roof. Yep, I’m handy like that. True, it would have been a 10-minute job for most guys. But, as I keep telling my wife, Terry, I’m not like most guys. Plus, I couldn’t find my hammer. Next weekend, I think I’ll build that three-room addition we’ve dreamed about. Does anyone know if I’m going to need concrete for that? Or a hammer? OK, maybe I’m not the guy you’d call when it comes to handiwork that, you know, works. Like I said, I’m not like most ...

Confusion sets in as smartness fades in the twilight

September 25, 2016

I used to believe that I was intelligent. In elementary school, I was considered the smartest kid in the building. The teachers nicknamed me The Little Old Man. My classmates gasped if I gave a wrong answer on a quiz. But like so many other childhood traits, my brilliance wore off. The needle on the brain gauge that used to peg the "Full" now tickles the "Empty" mark. In short, I'm confused. For example, I don't understand how closets work. It's the place where you jam everything when company's coming - I get that. But how is it that when it's time to pull the stuff back out, ...

Celebrate with a whiff of Play-Doh

September 18, 2016

Play-Doh — it’s the sweetest-smelling substance this side of chocolate itself. Both Play-Doh and chocolate provide excellent stress relief. Both have been molded into bunnies, eggs and Star Wars figures. Both have been shaped into birthday cakes. But one you squish between your fingers and the other you eat. It’s best not to confuse which is which. I had Play-Doh on the brain (and dried Play-Doh crumbles mashed into the carpet) because the modeling compound and I — an outmoded compound — celebrate our birthdays on the same day. On Friday, National Play-Doh Day, the ...