Trending
It took me three nights over two weeks, but I rehung that section of gutter that had fallen from the edge of our roof.
Yep, I'm handy like that. True, it would have been a 10-minute job for most guys. But, as I keep telling my wife, Terry, I'm not like most guys.
Plus, I couldn't find my hammer.
Next weekend, I think I'll build that three-room addition we've dreamed about.
Does anyone know if I'm going to need concrete for that? Or a hammer?
OK, maybe I'm not the guy you'd call when it comes to handiwork that, you know, works. Like I said, I'm not like most guys.
Or maybe I am.
My greatest handyman victory to date -- besides the gutter -- is the time I cut out a piece of replacement wall paneling to fit around the bedroom door. It snugged in place almost exactly!
True, we have to shimmy sideways to get into the bedroom now. You've got to expect a few tiny, inconsequential imperfections like that. It's part of the charm of do-it-yourself projects.
That's what I told my wife, anyway.
It's not that I lack skills. I have them stashed away somewhere. My problem is tools. I never have the right ones to finish the job. It doesn't matter what the project is. I lack that one critical tool necessary for the task.
This ploy works for most guys. It's how they fill their garages with all sorts of neat stuff they barely know how to operate.
"You need me to change the light bulb?" The typical guy will peer at the socket. "Hmm, looks it needs a three-eighths whichyamaturnit. I only have a five-eighths. I'm going to have to go to Bob's Tool Emporium and pick up a few supplies."
The long-suffering wife's brow furrows. "Can't you just unscrew the burned-out bulb by hand and put the new bulb in the same way?"
The typical guy sadly shakes his head at her ignorance. "Not if you want the job done right. Nope, like I said, I need a seven-sixteenths twistyturvythingy."
"You mean a three-eighths whichyamaturnit?"
"Thanks for reminding me. I'll pick up one of those too. And hey, maybe I should check out the super deluxe power saw with grouter attachment so I can take out the garbage. You can't take the garbage to the curb without a super deluxe power saw with grouter attachment."
I never learned the finesse necessary for this sort of acquisition process. Either that or my wife learned it too well.
"When are you going to hang that key rack?" Terry will ask.
"I can't find my hammer. I know, I'll run to Bob's Tool Emporium and see if they have power drill-GPS-ratchet combo. You can't hang a key rack without a power drill-GPS-ratchet combo."
"Here's a frozen steak. Pound the nails with that."
"Hammer nails with a frozen steak?"
"I lost my meat tenderizer. Tell you what, I run to the mall and pick up a new one. I hear they've got one with mixer-blender-dicer attachment. I'll look around for anything else I need. See you soon."
I never have the right tools for the job. But Terry's getting closer with her collection.
— Build it with Burt at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.