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Burton Cole column

May days bloom with tubas, socks and sea monkeys

May is the month of blossoms, as set forth in the Ohio Revised Code: “April showers shall bring May flowers.” When I was in school, I thought the Pilgrims brought the Mayflower. I refuse to live any longer in that kind of ignorance. I consulted a few offbeat calendars to find out what really blooms in May: May 1 — Mother Goose Day. Which goosetails nicely into… May 2 — Baby Day. (Awww.) May 3 — International Tuba Day. (Can’t stand the sound of a tuba? It’s also Lumpy Rug Day. Either roll up in one or cram it down the tuba.) May 4 — National Star Wars Day (May the ...

Wondrous words from children

Why doesn’t God have a cellphone? That’s a question that stumped my friend Lisa the other day. “I’m 73,” she told me. “I was talking to my 5-year-old granddaughter about Heaven because I didn’t want her to be sad when I’m gone. I told her I’d be watching over her from Heaven. “She said, ‘Well, Grandma, can I call you?’” It took Lisa a few seconds. “No, you won’t be able to call me.” Granddaughter Gianna shot back, “You mean to tell me that God doesn’t have a cellphone?” Gianna wasn’t done: “Grandma, when God comes to take me to Heaven, can ...

Watch out for black holes in garages, tables, purses

The big news in science this past week was the release of the first photographic image of a black hole. Black holes are those outerspace phenomena that make things disappear. Anything caught in the gravitational pull of a black hole gets sucked in with no hope of return. Just like my garage. I have no idea what all is crammed out there. I remember a few tools and toys that I thought I had stashed in the garage. But when I look for them, they’ve vanished. That black hole has sucked in so much clutter, debris and get-around-to-it projects over the years that those things will never ...

Put on pizza when the IRS comes to arrest you

I don’t mean to alarm you, but I need $10,000. Quick. Otherwise, I’m gonna get arrested. See, I got this extortion notice with an official CIA logo pasted at the bottom. For $10,000, the technical collection officer who signed promised that he can make my name disappear from the case ...

Spring splendor sits in baselines

It’s not the groundhog, the daffodils nor March 21 that tells me when spring has sprung. And it’s definitely not the weather. As the great philosopher Charles Dickens wrote, “Spring is the time of the year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade.” Or as the great ...

Words are important so use this guide frequently

That great philosopher Mark Twain once mused, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter — ’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” Exactly. One of those two things is what kids put into jars during the summer to ...