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Burton Cole column

Look! Up in the easy chair! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Super Burt!

It began when I was 4 years old. I found a baby blanket with the satin binding ripped loose on one end. I slipped my head through the loop that it formed, and that’s when it happened — I was Underdog! Underdog’s cape was solid blue, while mine was white with pink and blue bunnies on it, but it didn’t matter. I had a cape, so I was a superhero. Simon Bar Sinister, you had a need to fear because Underdog — and his bunny cape — was here! I pedaled my tricycle around the driveway as fast as my legs could pump, hoping the cape would flap in the wind, because — I was ...

U ken spail that jest like it sowndz

Hey, U! Scram! That, apparently, is the first thing the Colonists said after defeating the British. Oh, sure, the history books claim it was to end taxation without representation, but what really happened is that the newly minted Americans snatched the letter U out of a whole bunch of ...

Science verifies men’s selective sniffers

“I don’t smell,” I confessed to a friend. “Don’t jump to conclusions,” he said, holding his nose. “No, not that,” I said. “I might stink, but my nose doesn’t pick up scents very well. At least that’s what I’ve been told.” “Let me guess,” my buddy said. “Your wife told you that your sniffer was out of order.” I nodded. “Yep,” he said. “My wife’s olfactory nerves are honed to perfection, while mine are not quite up to sniff. I mean, snuff. That’s why I declare myself the winner.” “How so?” “Unless I’m right on top of it and ...

Dinosaur tries to decipher the code of QRs

I’m on an unintended diet. I can’t order a thing until I figure out QR codes, cash apps and all the other modern conveniences that get in the way of getting things done. Yes, I’m a dinosaur from another era. I think I know why those first dinosaurs went extinct — some critter came up ...

Cool Cole cuddles his air conditioner in hopes of chilling out

Baby, it’s hot outside! Or so I’m told. I can’t go out on account of being in a deeply committed relationship with my air conditioner. When I was a teenager, we spent the summer baling hay in weather like this. I haven’t been a teenager for a very long time. I’ve had plenty of ...

Have suds, will battle

I survived the Great Laundry Wars — so far — with only a few streaks of bleach on my shirt and a pocket full of quarters. And a splash of fabric softener gurgling in my left ear. I never knew washing clothes could be dangerous. I didn’t know I’d have to swing elbows and spar with ...