Whenever I’m feeling down, I can always count on scientific research to cheer me up. You never know what crazy things researchers will try next. They have the minds of mischievous 3-year-olds. And they get paid to play.

For example, scientific researchers, through actual studies and experimentation (what our moms use to call “foolish nonsense”) have determined:

• Wearing wet underwear in cold weather can be quite uncomfortable. (Yes, scientists in Norway, using approved scientific methods and volunteers in long johns, proved this in 1994. Meanwhile, 8-year-old boys everywhere in the world where it snows chorused, “Duh!”

• The three most painful places to be stung by a bee are the nostrils, the upper lip and the, uh… well, it was covered by wet long johns in the Norway experiment. We know this because an entomology professor let a bee sting him from head to toe over 38 days to find out where it hurt the most, according to a 2014 study.

I’m up in the air about this latest scientific endeavor. Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England have discovered that people catch on quickly on how to use a third thumb in everyday life.

Yep, they attach a prosthetic thumb on a person, and in no time at all, the three-thumbed wonder is using his or her robotic appendage for picking up, holding and moving objects.

When my dad was offered a thing he considered outlandish, he’d say, “I need (fill in the blank) just like I need another hole in my head.”

The Cambridge crew isn’t pushing to add holes into people’s heads — yet — but they can foresee a day when we all can attach additional robotic body parts or slip on an exoskeleton to increase our meager human capabilities.

Having trouble winning a foot race on two legs? Let’s try three.

Your spouse says you never listen? Add a third ear that’s specifically tuned to your partner’s frequency.

Remember the band Third Eye Blind? Be a true fan — have a blind third eye installed. (Of course, you’d need another hole in your head for that.)

There are some other possibilities for additional body parts that we shall not discuss in a family newspaper. You may contemplate them, if you wish. I’d rather not.

Way back in 1965, Mom bought us kids a new book that quickly became our favorite. Titled “I Wish I Had Duck Feet” and written by a guy named Theo. LeSieg (Theodor Geisel’s other pen name is Dr. Seuss.), it was about a boy who imagines how advantageous it would be to have various animal appendages.

It would be so cool to have duck feet (no need for shoes), deer antlers (to wear 10 hats while Big Bill Brown can wear only one), a whale’s spout (keep himself and the whole school cool) or a long, long tail (the better to pedal down the street pulling girls behind him on his bike) among other possibilities.

But our young hero discarded each idea after further consideration. Mom wouldn’t let him in the house with duck feet or a whale spout, he couldn’t fit on the school bus with antlers and Big Bill Brown would tie him to a tree with that long, long tail.

Have the Cambridge researchers studied this book? Do they not realize the havoc they could create? Why, a third thumb might encourage even more texting! Do we really need teens texting even faster than they do now?

On the other hand (or third hand), an extra arm and eye may allow a person to drive safely and text at the same time. But can we risk that? What if Big Bill Brown says, “Pull my finger,” and you realize he has seven of them on his third hand?

But that’s science, always good for a laugh. Or a horror.

Maybe if Burt had two brains, he’d start making sense. Write him at

burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.