Leave Han Solo — ahem, Harrison Ford — alone

May 3, 2020

Well, it’s been another week of wacky here on planet Earth. California beaches were opened for 47 seconds before rule-breakers cramming the sands — and each other at a social distance of about .5 mm — ruined it for everyone. Nimrods. Continuing controversy and drama surrounding the people involved in the “Tiger King” saga made “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” seem more like “The Brady Bunch.” I still have yet to watch the Netflix docuseries but can hardly hold out forever if we remain in quarantine. Desperate measures and all. Then there’s kooky Kim Jong-Un, who ...

Staying home all day, every day rocks — said no one ever

April 26, 2020

Oh my gosh, I absolutely LOVE being home all the time, every single day, 24/7. It’s nothing short of awesome, being confined to the house for work, play and every other imaginable human action. Toss in the total fabulosity known as the daily (I’m sorry, not daily, hourly; no, wait, second-by-second) pandemic-watch news coverage offering scary predictions about the virus, the economy and the overall precarious, calamitous state of the planet earth. That’s a trifecta, yo. “Quarantine rocks!” SAID. NO. ONE. EVER. Speaking of rocks, could you please find a big one, smack me in ...

It’s finally time to get back to reality … reality TV, that is

April 19, 2020

I missed them. I didn’t think I would, but I did. Well, I knew I’d miss Erika. She’s wicked cool, after all. But the rest of them, I didn’t really plan on pining after. Except the big B. Sure, I knew I’d be reeling from Bethenny withdrawals. She’s my favorite of all of them, BT dubs. But she left on her own; the rest of them I dropped like a hot potato. I digress. Oh, yeah. If I’m being absolutely honest, I expected to be sad that I couldn’t see LeeAnne, who is a close third after Bethenny and Erika. But her departure wasn’t my doing — and I’m pretty sure she ...

On this silent night, all was quiet and calm

April 12, 2020

Most people don’t know this. Actually, I’m not sure anyone does — or they didn’t until now. I’m a bit of an insomniac. That’s not the secret part. My poor sleep pattern is near legendary among my circle of humans, by the by. No, the previously undisclosed info is that quite often when I’m unable to sleep in the wee small hours of zero dark whatevs, I will quietly walk outside to our back deck. Sometimes the fresh air is welcome, just chilly enough to lower my core body temp to the point at which I can comfortably curl up beneath 472 blankets and finally drift off to ...

Quarantine makes for one slightly crabby Patty

April 5, 2020

Well, the global Groundhog Day scenario continues, eh? Hmpf. I feel you, friends. And yep, there’s no denying it: Our current sitch here on the third rock is scaring the stuffings out of old PK. Period. So I feel the need to again remind everyone of the CDC COVID-19 Guidelines for Avoiding Risk and the regulations outlined in the federal 30 Days to Slow the Spread campaign. Basically, they say: “Don’t touch and stay put, y’all!” Hello? THIS MEANS YOU. And me, too. And I’m taking it seriously. I won’t even let Kerry in the kitchen when I’m in there. Oh wait, ...

Low-maintenance girls are quarantine queens

March 29, 2020

You know, now is when it finally pays off to be me. Oh, I know, I’m a dork by all estimations and of fairly considerable percentage. I don’t carry designer bags. I buy formal dresswear exclusively from the clearance bin. On the rare occasion you see nail polish on these man hands of mine (think weddings, graduations, etc.), I put it there my dang self. Ditto my tootsies, which are so frightening that I do make a concerted effort to keep them painted year-round … you know, for the gastrointestinal wellbeing of the other humans within visibility who might catch a glimpse of ...