Trapped in the thrift store

June 21, 2015

Help! I’m being held captive in a thrift store! By my wife. We pulled into the lot an hour or two ago. I thought we were going out for burgers and fries. I distinctly remember the words “burgers” and “fries.” This tiny building clearly served neither burgers nor fries. “I just need to pick up something real quick,” she said. I should have turned and ran as soon as we stepped through the door. How could a store that looked so small on the outside stretch sooooo far back on the inside? The building must be built like an accordion — it unfolds to a great and terrible ...

Finicky cat calls own menu

June 14, 2015

The kid yelled. “But I don’t like beets.” The cold-hearted mom wasn’t moved. “Beets boost the immune system, lower blood pressure, fight cancer and increase energy.” The kid sniffed at the foul gunk. “So?” “They’re good for you. Shut up and eat them.” The kid flicked a beet to the brim of his plate. “You always make me eat stupid stuff.” The mom drove her fists into her hips and fixed the kid with a death stare. “Burton William, you are 55 years old. I am your wife, not your mom. Now stop pouting like a little kid and eat your beets. Or you’ll get no ...

Birthday baa-baas bless Burt’s bride

June 7, 2015

For her birthday, my sweet wife asked for only one thing — a gas-powered weed trimmer. “Seriously? One of those noisy, smelly, heavy tools you use to knock down high weeds while standing in a ditch?” Terry nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly. And to clean up around the shrubs and posts.” So instead of flower shops, dress stores, candle shops or (gulp) jewelry outlets, I could go birthday shopping for my wife among the power tools at a hardware store? Awesome. Reason Number 2,363 why I’m the world’s luckiest husband. “So, what kind of weed trimmer are you ...

Dodging dinosaur chickens

May 31, 2015

Scientists are building dinosaurs from chickens. Seriously. I studied enough cheesy horror movies in my youth to know to be frightened. What next? Sabre-toothed cows? Researchers this month announced they had modified the beak of a chicken embryo to resemble the snout of what they believe was the bird’s dino granddaddy’s. What they hope to do is to add teeth, a long tail and arms in place of wings to reverse engineer a chicken into the dinosaur they figure it once was. Frankly, it does not sound like the kind of critter I want scrambling through my chicken coop. Somebody else can ...

Bring Burton back to the name game

May 24, 2015

I have a weird name. I mean rare. Let’s see, there’s a police chief in Indiana who shares my name, and there’s Burton Cummings (who?). A kid named Burt Carlson graduated a year or two behind me (yep, TWO Burtons once wandered Conneaut High School halls), Burt Reynolds (but he might have sold it in his fire sale), and Bert the Muppet (if you allow the misspelling). The common thread here is we’ve all held the name for rather a large number of decades. No youngsters seem to be stepping up to take our title. The U.S. Social Security Administration this month released its list ...

Dream a little nightmare with me

May 17, 2015

My heinous deeds were horrible. Incomprehensible. Indefensible. Except that I hadn’t really committed them. My wife dreamed them all up. Literally. She shook me awake and glared. “How could you?” “Oh, just a bit of talent and finesse,” I yawned. “Wanna see me do it again?” Never toss out a wisecrack when you haven’t a clue what brought on the question. After watching the frost harden for a bit, I asked, “So, uh, what are we talking about?” “I told you the GPS was wrong. But you kept driving. Right into the ocean. In my car! You wouldn’t even stop to ask the ...