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I have a weird name. I mean rare.
Let's see, there's a police chief in Indiana who shares my name, and there's Burton Cummings (who?). A kid named Burt Carlson graduated a year or two behind me (yep, TWO Burtons once wandered Conneaut High School halls), Burt Reynolds (but he might have sold it in his fire sale), and Bert the Muppet (if you allow the misspelling).
The common thread here is we've all held the name for rather a large number of decades. No youngsters seem to be stepping up to take our title.
The U.S. Social Security Administration this month released its list of most popular baby names for 2014. Burton wasn't in the top 10. That was filled with names like Noah, Liam, Mason and Jacob.
It wasn't in the top 100. That was reserved for monikers like Joshua, Christopher, Carter and Sebastian.
I tried the top 1,000 names of 2014. I found adventurers -- Hunter, No. 40; Gunner, 235; Archer, 303; Remington, 313; Colt, 339; and Cannon, 543. Cities -- Francisco, 232; Dallas, 268; and Knox, 286. Ego boosters -- Messiah, 298; Legend, 534; and Titan, 827. Names I wouldn't have thought of -- Iker, 206; Thiago, 390; and Talon, 555.
But my name, proudly shared by an aging movie star and an oatmeal-eating Muppet, is not there.
In fact, the last time Burton appeared in the top 1,000 names was in 1981, when it slipped in at No. 938, right between Erroll and Coleman.
Erroll, like Burton, has plopped out of the pack. But Coleman ranked 950 last year. And Cole, my last name, chimed as the 116th most popular boys first name. This is why I seem all mixed up and turned around -- I was named backward.
Burton hasn't cracked the top 1,000 of boys first names in 33 years. No wonder I can never find cups, key rings, pencils or plaques with my name. I'm an oddity. I mean, unique.
About 30 years ago, a former flame found a button at a flea market that proclaimed "I love Burton." She bought it. Some time later, she changed her mind. The button disappeared. It was probably the last relic of Burtons gone by. I've not seen my name printed on anything since.
Well, there are Burton snowboards, but the real first name of the guy who founded that company is Jake (190), not Burton. And snowboards are difficult to tuck into your pocket with your car keys.
Way back in 1973, when Burton checked in at 844, singer-songwriter Jim (No. 9 last year) Croce crooned, "I've got a name." I do, and I'd like to share.
Here's my plan: Include a character named Burton in the next video game.
Dragon Age includes an inquisition commander named Rylen (1,000), who is second in command to Cullen (603). In fact, let's try all pop culture. Cullen also is a name from the "Twilight" series, and Xander (211) is a character in the old "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" series, and Declan (122) was a character in "Breaking Bad."
Let's make a video game in which a writer faces the Oxford comma, conjugates verbs and slays unnecessary adjectives. We'll call him Burton the Grammarnator or Burton the Punctuator. Or, if we must, Burton the Literary Nerd.
It's been 33 years of Burton listless-ness. Bring Burton back! Otherwise, Declan wins.
— Call out his name at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.