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Burton Cole column

Joke file chuckles help relieve season’s stressings

While I know the true meaning of Christmas, I’ve also been around plenty enough years — never mind how plenty — to know the true reality of the season: Stress! Planning, parties and not-quite-perfect presents; baking, cooking and unintended roasting; church services, play practices and teeth-grinding concerts; cards, wrapping paper and out-of-stock stock; his family, her family and who-are-these-people; and bills, bills and more did-we-really-spend-this-much bills — it all has a way of turning ho-ho-ho into harrumph-harrumph-hellllllp. Before we turn green as the Grinch, ...

Burn off the calories with the Christmas tree dance

Thanksgiving gorging has barely settled to a dull gurgle but there are tons more calories on the way. You’ll chew on dinners, meals, banquets and cookie parties at every turn of the Day Planner. Christmas fudge will jump out at you at every turn, sort of like zucchini does in the fall, only with much more chocolate and sugar. It’s enough to discourage a slender guy like myself. Well, I was slender once. I still am, I think, beneath all these layers of decades of holiday feasting. It’s OK. By Dec. 26, you will have worked off every single one of those calories. Twice. Think of ...

Avoid riding along when ‘the ladies’ squabble over best routes

When it comes to routes and road trips, I memorize my map in advance and stick to the plan. Terry is the adventurous one — mostly because she loves jousting with “The Lady.” The Lady speaks to us from the GPS app on my smartphone. The Lady always knows where I’m at, knows where I want to go, and talks me through the journey turn by turn. Terry prefers to taunt The Lady. “Is smoke rolling out of your cellphone yet? Or should I pull a U-turn here?” Hardly has the battle between the ladies in my life made me more of a nervous wreck than our last trip into Winchester, Va. ...

Wrapping Christmas gifts is a nightmare

Wrapping presents is as easy as folding fitted sheets — which is to say impossible to make pretty. But as long as you don’t mind a few lumps, clumps and wrinkles, I’m your man for either job. I’ve noticed that gifts generally don’t fare as well as sheets when wadded into a ball and jammed into the closet, but other than that, wrapping and folding are roughly the same disaster. I know it’s early to be suffering gift-wrapped nightmares. The nervous tremors began when I glanced at the calendar to discover that this Friday is Black Friday. That’s the day the green flag ...

Getting older and cannot keep up with my phone

The reminder tone binged on my cellphone: “Credit card payment due.” “I paid that. I think. Did I? Oh, no.” I scrambled for my laptop and toggled through schedules, spreadsheets and note programs. “Yeah, here it is. I sent it in on the 30th. And on the 24th.” I slapped my forehead. “I paid it twice?” “I guess that makes up for a couple months ago when you didn’t pay it at all,” my wife said. I groaned. “When did I become this forgetful?” “I think,” my wife said, “it was right after you started using devices to help you remember everything.” “When ...

Sickness of silliness provokes grins and giggles

My cousin Scott stared at my foot. “Is there a hole in your shoe?” I wiggled my toes. “Nope.” “Then how do you get your foot into it?” I resisted the urge to bop him upside the head. Why was I born into a family fueled by stupid jokes? “Go tell your mom that she wants you,” I said. Scotty rubbed his chin. “You ate toast this morning, didn’t you?” “No.” “Weird,” he said. “Because your face looks crummy.” “Go take a long walk off a short pier, you little bread crumb.” When I finally convinced Scott to pester someone else for a while, cousin ...