Science says guys lacking in senses of smell, hearing

March 4, 2018

She crossed her arms and wrinkled her nose. “Can you not smell THAT?” I reached for the remote and pushed mute. “What?” “That T-shirt you’re wearing.” “Old faithful? What about it?” She narrowed her eyes and coughed. “You heard me.” I shook my head. “You talk too softly.” She waved at the TV. “The game’s too loud.” At least that’s what I think she said. I wasn’t sure. Too bad remote controls don’t have a volume button for wives. Terry goes about whispering all the time and expects me to hear her. Once, someone asked me, “Do you two ever ...

The price just went up on buying happiness

February 25, 2018

The price of happiness has gone up. Now it costs $95,000 a year. But be careful. Haul in more than $95,000 and you'll be just as miserable as the guy getting $20,000, but in a nicer car. That's the word from the financial planners at LearnVest, whose researchers crunched the numbers for the road to giddiness. The only time I ever made $95,000 in one year was in 1984. Best game of Monopoly I ever played. I even owned a chain of hotels. It's been a bumpy ride ever since. According to the report from LearnVest, psychologists at Purdue University and the University of Virginia ...

Suffer as if living each day by distorted wise words

February 18, 2018

“Live each day as if it was your last,” the sage said. So I called off work. If I knew these were my last 24 hours on Earth, there’s no way I’d squander eight or 10 of them chained to a desk. With work out of the way, I hustled to a breakfast buffet and poured a gallon of sausage gravy over a stack of biscuits, scrambled eggs and hash browns. My doctor had warned me against this kind of gluttony. But there’s no point in suffering through a clean diet if it’s one’s grand finale. “That sage is a genius,” I mumbled around a mouthful of chocolate muffin. I crossed ...

Romance, thy name certainly is not Burt

February 11, 2018

Does any span of the calendar crush more spirits than Valentine’s week? Oh, sure, it’s meant to be a warm, fuzzy celebration filled with hearts, diamonds, balloons and roses. But for guys like me — the clueless kind — it’s just another painful taunting of romantic shortcomings. You know all those stories about thoughtful guys who spent months planning the perfect proposals? Rose petal-strewn walkways, violins and teddy bears holding hearts? Caribbean getaways, moonlight on the ocean, and dropping to one knee in the white sand? Or even flashing “Will you marry me?” in ...

Blame the oatmeal for eroding reading skills

February 4, 2018

Oatmeal is killing literacy. That’s my theory based on extensive breakfast research conducted at my house. I have reached that certain age when metabolism takes lots of naps and my body sounds like a Rice Krispies concert when I wake up. Snap, crackle, pop, groan. No longer can I wolf down three cheeseburgers and a gallon of ice cream, and go play basketball for 12 hours straight. These days, watching basketball for 12 minutes is about as long as I can manage without old man issues rerouting me to another room. My cupboards sag under the weight of foods with labels like “Whole ...

Reluctant adult packs up to run away from home

January 28, 2018

How old is too old to run away from home? I already slapped together peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwiches. I stashed a few comic books in my knapsack. I pulled the blanket off my bed. I'm ready to go. Who knew this being an adult stuff was so wearying? OK, Mom and Dad said so. I thought they were kidding. I suspected they didn't want us kids to know how incredibly awesome the world was for grownups in complete, total charge of their own lives. The joke, as usual, was on me. I grew up but control scampered away. Who knew that being a kid had been so free and easy? OK, Mom ...