Every day in June offers a (weird) holiday

May 27, 2018

The world has turned so bitter that I propose we institute a moratorium on meanness on holidays. Fortunately, every day is a holiday! So let’s stop calling each other names, break out the cake and ice cream, and celebrate. Here’s a sampling of actual events, oddities and strange doings — other than the well-known ones already on your calendar — commemorated in the month of June, which begins this week. June 1 — Dare Day; Flip a Coin Day and National Doughnut Day. I dare you to visit your local doughnut shop, flip a coin to choose and enjoy a tasty pastry. You can’t talk bad ...

Crafter chilled at use of refrigerator as scrapbook

May 20, 2018

“You should scrapbook your memories,” our enthusiastic crafter friend said. “We do.” I led her to the refrigerator. “Isn’t it a beaut?” She peered on either side of the fridge. Stood on tiptoes to peek at the top. Scratched her head. “All I see is the refrigerator.” “The refrigerator IS our scrapbook.” I plucked an elephant magnet off the front. “This was from our trip to Norfolk zoo. And this rhino magnet comes from the Cleveland zoo. Oh, I picked up this little number in Toronto when I saw ‘Phantom of the Opera.’ And what trip to Canada would be complete ...

Roof goats and ant kitchen cleaners — pet brigade rocks

May 13, 2018

My friend Warner observed that we do ourselves a disservice by killing ants that crawl into the house. “It makes sense,” he said. “You drop crumbs. They take them away. If you kill the ants, you’re stuck cleaning up both insect carcasses and crumbs. Let the ants live and they clean the kitchen for you.” It made a crazy sort of sense — in a guy sort of way. I’m sure neither Warner’s wife nor mine would grasp the genius of the plan. It’s the same kind of logic I used as a kid when I was supposed to do dishes. If I spread the plates on the floor, the family dog licked ...

It is what it is. Whatever. Watch out for that bus

May 5, 2018

I am literally annoyed. And so, the survey says, are you. The phrases we use daily create this whole synergy thing, in a ballpark kind of way, that give 110 percent when you stay in the loop but think outside the box. At the end of the day, it’s a win-win situation that is what it is. Yeah, whatever. The 40 most annoying words or phrases that drive us nuts at work was just released by OnePoll in a survey conducted for Jive Communications. “Give it 110 percent” and “Think outside the box” topped the chart of irritants. If you’re the kind of person who gives 110 percent, I ...

Chocolate is always the answer

May 5, 2018

I squinted at the small print and bellowed. “Who shrunk my book?” I focused on the usual suspect. “Terry, did you run my favorite book through the wash?” My wife rubbed her temples. She does that a lot, for some reason. “Why would you think I’d run a load of books through the laundry?” I flapped the novel at her. “The type is tinier than it used to be.” “It looks the same to me,” she said. “No, it’s not. When I bought this volume 30 years ago, the letters were huge.” I drew the book close until my nose nearly touched the open page. “Now I have to take ...

Of mice, grumpy men and cats looking for the maternity ward

April 22, 2018

All my life, I’ve had this distressing problem with animals. They like me. It’s nearly impossible to keep up my reputation as a grumpy old codger with a kitten curled up in my lap. What’s a grouch supposed to do? My childhood was filled with cats, dogs, cows, pigs, chickens, goldfish, a baby sister and a pony. Critters crawled, clomped and clattered everywhere. Now I’m an adult with a postage stamp-sized backyard. We’ve hosted a red-tailed hawk, a black bear, deer, fox, rabbits, ducks and, just last week, a convention of about two dozen wild turkeys. This is fine. I love ...