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"There's no time to lose," I yelped as I tossed aside the newspaper and popped out of my easy chair.
Terry yelped, too. I whirled to face her. "You saw it? Startling, isn't it?"
"Definitely. Usually, I have to pry you out of the La-Z-Boy."
"Not that." I scooped the newspaper off the floor and thrust it at her. "Right there. Earth is collapsing. We're doomed! And I have so much left to do."
Terry smoothed the paper and read. "A group of physicists predict the universe will collapse, crushing all matter."
I dashed around the room. "I need a pencil. So much to do before the end."
Terry read on. "In a paper published in Physical Review Letters, the physicists say the numbers and models show that the collapse is imminent."
"I've never been to Paris. No, that'll take too long. Maybe a bunch of quick things. I need paper."
Terry looked up. "You realize that 'imminent' in cosmological terms means tens of billions of years instead of hundreds of billions of years."
"I know. The clock is ticking."
Terry rolled her eyes, an odd habit she seems to do often. "You were planning on still being here in 400 billion years?"
I dug a pen from between the chair cushions. "Well, not now, obviously." I plucked a torn envelope from the wastebasket. "I need to jot down everything I want to do before the world ends."
"You mean like a bucket list?"
"A bucket." I made a note. "I don't have a bucket. Where'd my bucket go?"
"It was full of old rusty chains that you gave away."
"I gave away chains? Why'd I do that?" I made another note. "Chains. And rope. You can never have too many ropes or chains."
Terry sighed. "That's how you want to spend your last 40 billion years on Earth? Hunting for chains?"
Sometimes, she actually makes sense. "Of course not." I crossed out chains and rope. "Let's see, I never molded that life-sized bulldozer out of Play-Doh, I've yet to build a scale model of old Municipal Stadium out of Popsicle sticks, there are still three flavors of Cap'n Crunch I've yet to try…"
"The world is ending and those are the things on your bucket list? Don't you want to take trips or aspire to be somebody?"
I scratched my head with the pen. "You're right. I want to see the Seven Wonders of the World. OK, there's the World's Largest Ball of Postage Stamps in Boys Town, Neb., the World's Largest Ketchup Bottle in Collinsville, Ill., the Life-Size Chocolate Moose in Scarborough, Maine, the World's Largest Ball of Paint in Alexandria, Ind., …"
Terry slumped. "Seriously?"
"Oh, and while we're touring, my secret goal is to become famous as the person who found the other shoe."
"The one that waited to drop?"
"No. You know how whenever you take a trip, you always see a single shoe by the side of the road? I want to be the first guy to find the missing shoe."
Terry rubbed her temples, another odd habit she seems to do a lot. "There's a sale on buckets at the hardware store. Why don't you go get one now for your list?"
"Great idea! You wanna come?"
"No, I think I'll just take a short nap, for a billion years or so. Bring me a souvenir from the Chocolate Moose."
Some people can't help but fritter away time.
— Tour with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. His latest novel, "Bash and the Chocolate Milk Cows," hits bookstore shelves May 1.