DEAR EDITOR:

PRIMARY POLITICIANS ARE MISSING!

Where have they gone?

Rumor has it that some of our elected leaders are mysteriously disappearing, those character-lite leaders who denigrate America’s time-honored democratic values of representative democracy, rule of law, and election integrity.

Where have all these size “irregular” leaders gone?

Rumors on Google-gossip state that Haitian immigrants are stealing and eating Northeastern Ohio’s integrity-impaired political leaders.

Rumor proselytizes that Haitians from Springfield, Ohio, have re-migrated to the northeast.

Malicious rumors are now the “coin of the realm” in politics, spread by egos who know better, weaponizing the weird.

It is the “dirty trick” du jour to trump the truth.

Rumor exclaims that errant politicians are at risk of being taken and sauteed.

The citizens in Northeastern Ohio counties are urged to report if any duplicitous public officials go missing, or not.

Other Ohio counties have lost their marginally moral politicians to hungry immigrants.

Anyone seen Larry Householder, Bob Young, Brian Kenderes, or James Traficant lately?

One Geauga County judge is being grilled as we speak.

Unsubstantiated rumors have it that immigrants, when dining on inedible, prodigal politicians, enjoy pairing a nice wine or brew with their meal.

Rumored Haitian pairings for perfidious politicians:

1. A dry, red wine nicely tenderizes a tough, morally-lite commissioner, prosecutor, or congressperson.

2. A sweet, white wine mitigates a stringy, duplicitous engineer, sheriff or treasurer.

3. A cheap lite beer will sanitize any judge who has gone past their ethical expiration date.

4. O’Doul’s will cover an unappetizing, corrupt clerk of courts, recorder, or mayor.

5. A light Rose sterilizes a dishonest auditor, recorder or board member.

6. A craft beer will render chewable a gristle-laden, compromised trustee.

Wayward, wandering elected officials of Northeastern Ohio, take heed!

If you are out-and-about in public, and have blemished your oath of office and/or betrayed the public’s trust, you do not want to end up in a Haitian immigrant’s Big Green Egg or pizza oven.

If the Haitian immigrants overlook you and you escape their air-fryer, be patient and take heart.

You are much more likely headed for a much hotter place!

Judge for yourself!

SHELDON FIREM

Chardon