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I recently was at a family gathering, and as they have a habit of doing, a variety of hot-button issues came up in our conversation. Of course, things got heated as people who represent one side of the issue started going after those who represent the other. Things got louder and louder, until someone demanded that it stop. Then ensued three or four minutes of awkward silence as we tried to find our way back to civility and neutral topics of conversation.
It was just downright awkward.
This scene, I imagine, is not unfamiliar to you; we all go to parties where issues come up and the discussion gets difficult. With the holidays looming on our calendars (there are only 74 days until Christmas, people) these conversations are more and more likely to be on the table, next to the turkey and trimmings.
It’s no secret that we live in a polarized culture; there are two sides to every issue, and each has a tremendous center of gravity. It’s impossible to be moderately anything anymore. While social media have made us more connected, they’ve also fanned this flame; a day doesn’t go by when I don’t see a post that links to a video that says something like, “Watch this [remarkably underqualified person] destroy [the president, nationalized health care, gay marriage, abortion, racism, etc.] in just three minutes!”
Really? Is this what public discourse has come to?
Because we have become so polarized, when an issue comes up around the dinner table, we do a few things: we quit listening to the person we’re talking to because we assume we know their opinion and how they got it. Then we just wait for them to finish talking so we can talk; meanwhile, they’re doing what we were just doing. Suddenly, we’re not conversing anymore, we’re reading scripts back and forth.
We live in a culture that has lost the notion of civility – that I can humbly treat a person who thinks differently than me with respect, dignity, and offer them a listening ear to understand how they arrived at their conclusions. Instead of civility, we have given up on even trying to be in the same room with someone who disagrees with us.
I’m tired of living this way – and I can’t help but wonder if you are, too. With that in mind, here are three ways to break through the shouting and to get to know how and why someone thinks the way they do.
First, stop talking. Let the person you’re talking to talk first. It’s an act of humility that is meaningful to relationships and helpful to conversation. So, hush.
Second, when you’re not talking, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say next. Most of us assume this is what listening means – but it’s not. Listening means paying attention to what someone is saying so you can understand them. If you need time to think of how to reply, take a breath and say so.
Third, don’t assume – and not just because we know what it makes of you and me. Just because you have heard this argument for whatever issue before doesn’t mean that you can shut off. Don’t assume you know what the other person is saying. Listen to them.
Fourth, ask questions. (Notice how long it’s taking us to get to the part where you say something.) Ask how they got their information, how they became so interested in this issue, what steps they think need to be taken. Do not preface your questions with “why,” because it starts to paint someone into a corner. Also try prefacing questions with “I wonder” It makes a difference.
Fifth, when you speak, don’t raise your voice, avoid us-versus-them language, and don’t defame the character of the person you’re speaking with. No one likes a jerk, my friends – so don’t be one.
Tennant is a Warren resident. Email him at editorial@tribtoday.com