Ray Rice was banned from football. Initially, he was given a two-game suspension for the domestic abuse charges. As a victim of domestic violence, I was appalled by this incredibly weak response by the NFL.

Then the video was released.

After that, a flurry of public attention has been directed at domestic abuse.

Almost immediately, the Ray Rice jokes began to appear in my social media timelines. Then Ted Robinson, a radio broadcaster for the San Francisco 49ers, made an insensitive comment that made me realize that this issue is still so very misunderstood.

Robinson stated that Rice’s wife, Janay, was in part responsible because she didn’t speak up and that her decision to marry Rice after the assault was “pathetic.” While the 49ers took immediate action in suspending Robinson for two games, I think what he spoke is what the majority of people feel.

Why did she stay?

Unless you’ve been in a relationship which involved abuse – be it physical, emotional, mental, financial or sexual – you should not even attempt to ask that question, let alone answer it. Domestic violence can affect men or women, heterosexuals or homosexuals, rich or poor. It affects all of society.

Abusers follow a cycle. It begins in the “honeymoon” phase with flowers, gifts, praise and love. He’ll put her on a pedestal and call her his queen.

The danger in this is that he creates an image that she can never live up to. Not only will he expect her to live up to this perfection, she will expect it of herself.

At first the change is slow. At first it is barely perceptible. Perhaps he becomes overwhelmed at work. Perhaps his family stresses him. Maybe he begins to drink.

This period of stress is followed by violence. Maybe it’s intimidation. Maybe it’s a fist through the wall. Or it could be something worse.

Almost immediately, the abuser apologizes for his behavior. He begs forgiveness. “It will never happen again.” But it will.

The “honeymoon” phase begins again.

This cycle repeats, but like a ball rolling downhill, it starts going faster and faster. There are more times of stress, shorter periods of calm, and the violence gets worse.

Meanwhile, the abuser often separates the woman from her support network. He tells her that she’s worthless, that her opinions don’t matter, that she can’t do anything right. He tells her so much so, that she doesn’t doubt it. She questions her own self-worth. When he is good to her, she feels that she doesn’t even deserve that. She loses grip on reality and doesn’t even know it.

Then she hears statements like those made by Robinson. That it is, indeed, her fault. Why does she stay? Because her husband tells her everyone is against her, but he’s on her side. He loves her even though she can’t do anything right. And yes, she knows it’s true.

But it isn’t true.

You are capable of approaching a woman who is in an abusive relationship and supporting her. Listen to her. Do not attack her husband, but instead, support her. Let her know that you are worried about her. Encourage her to do things outside the relationship.

An abuser often tries to keep “his woman” secluded, so that he has complete control of her and her thoughts. Offer actual help, whether it’s watching the kids or helping her make a safety plan.

Give her the number for the Someplace Safe in Warren. During business hours, call 330-393-3003. If it is after hours, call 330-393-3005. Always call 911 in an emergency.

If she goes back to him, and she might, continue to support her. You can’t rescue her. Only she can save herself. Even after she leaves, she will continue to need you to be there for her. She will feel guilty. She will be sad. She will be lonely. Don’t let her face this time alone.

By all means, do not place blame on her. She already blames herself. He blames her. Does society really think it’s helping by placing the blame on her as well?

Harley is a Girard resident. Email her at editorial@tribtoday.com