Losing a child in war
Mother tries to keep memory of soldier alive
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WARREN -- When Chris Wortman saw the white van on her street, she knew it could mean only one thing, and it was confirmed when the casualty assistance officers walked up to her.
"I remember it like it was this morning. It's been 4,167 days. I count my days, I count every day until I see him again," Wortman said. "It was a white van parked just up the driveway. It was strange. And then I just lost it. I knew it; Robbie wasn't coming home."
U.S. Army Sgt. Robbie Carr, Wortman's son, was killed March 13, 2007, by an improvised explosive device on the streets of Baghdad, Iraq. He was 22.
Not long before Carr was killed, Wortman had been driving her older son, Matt, crazy because he, too, was deployed and after she hadn't heard from him in 10 days and then heard of a helicopter crash, she started making calls.
"He said mom, 'You don't have anything to worry about, unless a casualty officer shows up in a white van and knocks on the door,'" Wortman said.
No. 83 for the Champion High School football team, after graduating at 17, Carr traded in his purple and gold for Army camouflage.
"He ate MREs for dinner. He wanted to be like his big brother. When the recruiter came to the house, he asked him how long he wanted to sign up for. He told them '20.' I told him, 'No, let's start with four,'" Wortman said.
When Wortman lost her son, she became a Gold Star mother. Today, she wears her pin with pride and uses it as a reminder to honor him.
"I became a part of the Gold Star family. I didn't realize it existed before. The loss is always with you, a part of you and I am proud to be a part of this family," Wortman said.
Wortman stays close to her son and the Gold Star family by actively participating in events honoring veterans.
On Tuesday, she will escort an American flag flown in from Washington, D.C., in a procession bringing in The Wall That Heals, a three-quarter scale replica of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C. Once the memorial arrives at Packard Park in Warren, Wortman will pass the flag to the brother of a man killed in Vietnam and then it will be flown on the new flag pole erected at the park.
With her job at a local Veterans of Foreign Wars club, Wortman said she often interacts with Vietnam veterans.
"There are a lot of Vietnam veterans who won't talk about it, they have PTSD so bad," Wortman said.
After her son died, Wortman said she didn't get out of the house much for about two years. But then she started participating in events honoring veterans.
"I do these because I am here and he is not," Wortman said "He always made me so proud; I want him to look down and be proud of his mom. It keeps me going; it gets me out of bed today. This life I live, now there is a huge part of me that died," Wortman said.
For the families of the 60 people from Trumbull County who didn't make it home from Vietnam -- whose names are engraved on the memorial wall -- all other Gold Star families, Wortman and the rest of Carr's family, life will never be what it was before the death of their loved one.
"People say it gets easier, but no, it gets harder. There will never be a holiday when I have all of my children together," Wortman said.
Carr was on his second tour. He had five years in and had 10 days left in Baghdad with 1506th Infantry Battalion when the bomb exploded while he was driving and inspecting checkpoints. He was stationed out of Fort Carson in Colorado.
"He was a soldier and he always will be," Wortman said.
The school retired Carr's football number and planted a tree there, with a plaque in his name.
To keep him alive in the minds and hearts of the family, Wortman tells her grandchildren about what a jokester their uncle was and what he did for his country. She sleeps with his class ring on every night and for a long time wore it all day. There are fallen soldier statues at her home, photographs everywhere and a quilt that incorporates pieces of his Army jacket. Signs and other memorials have been erected in his name.
"I appreciate it very much. But really, I don't want that, I want my son. I want him to walk through the door and come home," Wortman said.