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Love, marriage and … now what did she tell me?

Burt’s Eye View

Marital truth of the day: “Nobody is more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.” (Laura Marie Gordon)

It’s a tired trope, the one about how husbands don’t actually listen to what their wives say. This is not true. I’m positive that every time she said, “Steak and potatoes are on the table,” I not only heard, but I responded immediately.

Mostly, I think that bit of false wisdom began because wives suffer memory loss.

“Burton, I told you this three weeks ago, and again last week.”

“Sweetheart, you only dreamed that you did, like the time you dreamed that I ‘squandered’ our money on a Corvette Stingray, then wouldn’t let you drive it.”

“It wasn’t a nightmare. I most certainly did tell you. You were sitting right there in your chair watching the game, and I said…”

See the problem here? If it’s not a bad memory, it’s bad timing.

I’ve been mulling adventures in marriage lately. Our wedding anniversary was Friday. It was my second one without Terry, who graduated to her heavenly reward 16 months earlier. I’ve been without adult supervision ever since.

My friend Marcie “The Joke Lady” from Niles, who mailed me packets of wisdom, once included this nugget of truth: “Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”

The Joke Lady wasn’t joking. It wasn’t until I was married that I learned I actually possessed a few faults, including but not limited to, “You breathe too loudly.”

“Would you like me to stop?”

I didn’t care for the way she looked when I offered.

It reminded me of another line in the list from Marcie: “I married my wife for her looks — but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.”

Another pearl of wisdom on the list of marriage musings was this Rita Rudner observation: “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

I am not bashing marriage. I miss it. In the words of the great philosopher Henny Youngman, “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”

Terry always claimed the reverse was the case, but I knew the truth.

It reminds me of the quote by the great philosopher Anonymous: “A good relationship is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”

I consulted other great philosophers to get their take on love and wholly deadlock, er, holy matrimony.

“Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery

“You say you love flowers, but you cut them. You say you love animals, but you eat them. Now you say you love me, and I’m scared!” — anonymous

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito (I once saw Terry pawing around the end table, searching for her reading glasses, and probably snorted a little too loudly when I told her to tap her head. She had not one, but TWO pairs of readers perched up there.)

“No husband was ever shot while doing the dishes.” — William Heidrich (my late father-in-law, who Terry told me did, in fact, wash the dishes, far more often than her own husband did.)

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” — Joseph Barth

“To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

“It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you lived without them, and how you live with them.” — anonymous

Happy anniversary, my love. Wish you were still here.

Send marital advice to Cole (who no longer can use it) at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.

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