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If it were good for me, there would be caramel, chocolate

I am dying of food poisoning.

Not the regular strain of food poisoning — I am afflicted by the variety known as “but it’s good for you.”

The cause is spousal research, meaning it’s sprung on me when my wife comes across yet another article about foods that cure ailments she thinks I might run into.

My lunch today included something called lychees.

“A what?” I asked.

“Lychee. It’s good for you.”

“Yeah, yeah, but what is it exactly? A cheese puff that didn’t get enough sun? An oversized marble scooped out of potato guts?”

“It’s a fruit,” she said. “It’s packed with vitamin C,vitamin B2, potassium and copper. It’s great for liver health, prevents some cancers and is an antioxidant.”

“I’ll just run out for a chili cheese dog at lunch,” I said. “With a bucket of fries.”

“Here, taste one.” She speared one of the white balls with a fork and waved it toward me. “Here comes the rocket ship zooming around. Open your mouth wide and it will land with a big surprise.”

Lychees are sweet and tasty. That’s not the point. First she took away my Alpha-Bits, declaring sugar in the morning a dangerous way to start my day. Next went the chocolate milk.

“I’m starving,” I groused as I reached for plain ol’ wonderful white bread.

“Oh, you don’t need to use that. Look what I got just for you.” She held out some brown substance shaped like bread, but brown and spotted with seeds, black specks of something and tan dots of other gunk.

“Somebody dropped it,” I said. “It’s covered in dirt.”

“That’s not dirt. It’s multi-grain bread. The seeds make it taste even better.”

“The seeds stick between my teeth.”

“They’re no different than the chia seeds that I sprinkle on your salad.”

I bared my teeth. “I think there’s a Chia Pet growing in my molars. It feels like the Bob Ross Chia Pet.”

“Stop being silly,” she snapped. “There’s nothing stuck in your mouth except bullheaded stubborness. Chia seeds are strong with antioxidants, minerals, fiber and omega-3 fatty acids that are great for heart health, strong bones and blood sugar control. Now eat your multi-grain bread. It’s good for you.”

Once I slathered enough peanut butter and layers of strawberry preserves on the bread, it wasn’t too bad. For health food.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not healthy anymore.”

I wiped peanut butter on my sleeve. “Instead of all those poisonous nuts and seeds, why can’t I top my salads with hamburger, ricotta, mozzarella, pasta and tomato sauce?”

“That would be lasagna,” she said.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

“A thousand calories, a week’s worth of sodium, carbohydrate overload…” She shivered. “That’s not good for you at all.”

I paused. “You know, every time we finish the evening with a bowl or two of ice cream, we lose weight.”

Her eyebrows arched. “It is an odd quirk. I can’t explain it with any of my research. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m going to dish up a big, healthy, good-for-me serving of Moose Tracks,” I said, heading for the freezer.

She pulled a second bowl from the cupboard. “Load me up. Mint chocolate chip, please.”

I saluted. “To your good health.”

Always keep plenty of health nut food poisoning antidote in your freezer. With hot fudge topping for severe cases.

We recommend that you do NOT follow Cole’s nutritional advice at burts eyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.

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