Tell me why — pondering life’s imponderables
In fits of forced boredom, I used to ponder that age-old question of if a tree fell in the forest, and there was no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Or if a man speaks in a forest and there’s no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Coughs and sniffles have kept me at home the last few days, and my ponderings have ratcheted up to a new level of angst. Now I wonder if I ate a meal at a fancy restaurant, but no one posted it on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok, did it really happen?
Pondering life’s imponderables — it can drive a guy nuts.
What is the protocol for when you’re caught in an argument in which you’re both on the same side? Would it be polite to feign disagreement until you sense the other guy wrapping up his tirade, and then profess to see the light? I tried nodding and interrupting with, “Absolutely right,” but I was stuck until my “adversary” ran out of steam. Never let a good trash-talking go to waste, I guess.
Here are other of life’s imponderables that I’ve been pondering:
Why is it that no matter where I stand in the kitchen, I am without fail right in front of the drawer Terry needs to open? Is that what marriage is about?
Is the person who sponges the dirt and dust off a Hoover called a vacuum cleaner?
If I write a song about a tortilla, would that be a wrap?
If Black Eyed Peas sing songs, do chick peas only hummus tunes?
If I hear a rumor about butter, should I spread it?
Tell me, why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Is it similar to a combob? I know what it means to be discombobulated. Apparently, my goal if life is to be whack and combobbed.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
And why does Bugs Bunny put on a bathing suit to go swimming, yet he walks around the rest the cartoon without wearing a stitch of clothing?
Can somebody tell me, what did people go back to before drawing boards were invented?
Are you old enough to remember when parents made us wait a half hour after eating before we could go swimming? They never appreciated it when I asked, “Do fish get cramps after eating? Why don’t they drown?”
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4’s?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Does it depend on whether it lands next to that tree that fell when no one was around?
If I jog backward, would I gain weight? For that matter, is that how I can turn back time?
Someone please tell me, what do I do if I spot an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things, but “slow down” and “slow up” means the same up or down?
Tell me, when a door is open, why do we say it’s ajar, but we don’t say an open car is adoor?
How much longer must I sit here and ponder life’s imponderables?
Quiz Cole at burtseye firstname.lastname@example.org, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burt onwcole.com