Go back to bed, read the paper and just be uninspired
Maxims take minimal effort. And provide no help whatsoever.
You know what I mean. It seems that no matter what you’ve been up to, there’s some pest buzzing around ready to tag you with an inspirational quote.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” the would-be motivator will buzz.
It makes you want to snap, “If at first you don’t succeed, try management.” Especially if the pest is your supervisor.
We are plagued by pearls of wisdom spewed by people who can little afford to give any away.
Every once in a while, a guy just wants to kick back and be uninspired. If the slacker shoe fits, wear it. Don’t bother tying the laces. Too much trouble.
In a quest to combat the one-liner pep talks hanging on office walls, I researched the best of the bad motivational maxims. Try to refrain from getting inspired by the likes of these pithy remarks:
• A thousand-mile journey begins with a single step. So does falling in a ditch.
• Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.
• Keep following your dreams and they’re going to file a restraining order.
• The best things in life are actually really expensive.
• If you stay calm while all around you is chaos, you clearly don’t grasp the seriousness of the situation.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has already selected a scapegoat.
• Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gets you job security.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
• Never. Give up. (Punctuation placement saves you from the effort of trying in the first place.)
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
• A perfect match is when two people lower their standards just the right amount.
• Seek success but prepare for vegetables.
• People who give 110 percent don’t understand how percentages work.
• Given a choice, you will always choose wrong.
• Most people make mistakes five or six times, just to be sure.
• Bad decisions lead to good stories to tell.
• Those who say they slept like a baby have never had a baby.
• Be the best you can be. It’s not like we’re asking for much.
• Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some are just like you.
• Everybody’s good at something and you’re the best at not being good at anything.
• If you changed everything about yourself, I’d love you just the way you are.
• Monday hates you, too.
There you go, the perfect relief from motivation and inspiration. And remember, the best thing to do the first thing in the morning is to go back to sleep. It’s never too late to go back to bed.
— We caught Cole in a snarky mood. Give him a pep talk at email@example.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at BurtonWCole on Twitter.