The script for 2020 has been rejected

Burt's Eye View

Right from Day 1, it’s been a weird spring.

Day 1 of the spring equinox fell on March 19 — the first time in 124 years that spring didn’t begin on either March 20 or 21.

After that little oddity, life grew more bizarre by the day. If the events of 2020 had been submitted as a movie script, it would have been rejected as too wildly implausible.

The main plot of our movie — “2020 Vision: I Can’t See The Sense in That” — was well under way by then. The COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic had us masking up, hunkering down and shoving normality to the side.

Then we added in the “B” storyline, the invasion of the murder hornets. And promptly dropped it.

What happened to the murder hornets? Did they pack up and go home because they couldn’t find any toilet paper here?

Meanwhile, back with the “A” plot, the 2020 scriptwriters jacked up the weirdness.

Office workers went home and stopped wearing pants.

Parents became teachers and learned that the school might have been right about the bad behaviors of their little darlings.

Churches halted Sunday services, converting three-fourths of all pastors into Facebook and YouTube televangelists.

Sports, weddings and other contact sports were wiped out.

People wearing masks to the bank were the good guys.

Callers reported hordes of drones flying in formation over Colorado and Nebraska. (Maybe those were murder hornets scouting for toilet paper.)

Senior skip day lasted two months — followed by graduations in drive-in movie theaters.

Monkeys in India stole vials of coronavirus-infected blood.

Who would believe any of this stuff could actually happen? But it did.

Except for the murder hornets.

What’s next? Godzilla rising out of Lake Erie? Flying monkeys unleashed from Mosquito Lake State Park?

How about some offbeat celebrations to bring in “Summer 2020: We Hope It’s Not the Sequel.” I consulted Google and found a few fitting oddball possibilities on the calendar.

Today — It’s Monkey Around Day. (Just not with vials of infected blood.)

Monday — International Bath Day. Yes, you are permitted to wash more than just your hands.

Tuesday — Fudge Day. Sweet!

Wednesday — National Eat Your Vegetables Day. Mom warned me that bad things would happen if I didn’t eat all my peas. Did I cause the pandemic?

Thursday — It’s both International Panic Day and International Picnic Day. I’ve had my fill of panic. Hey, Yogi, pack the pick-i-nick basket.

Friday — It’s both World Sauntering Day and Take Back the Lunch Break Day. Also World Kissing Day, but that poses a problem at a socially distanced 6 feet.

Saturday — Summer officially begins. It’s also Ice Cream Soda Day, Hike With a Geek Day and World Juggling Day.

It’s also National Hollerin’ Contest Day, but honestly, haven’t we had enough hollerin’ this spring to fill our minimum yearly requirement? How about if you and the geek hike to the ice cream parlor and share a soda and a roll of toilet paper with a murder hornet? Then let’s all work on a new script for 2020.

— Celebrate at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonWCole on Twitter.


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