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Having a sensible, adult breakfast

Burt's Eye View

To thwart suffering through a sensible breakfast, columnist Burton Cole received a secret hiding place for his Pop-Tarts stash from Mary Ann Hudzik of Mineral Ridge. (Submitted photo / Teresa Cole)

The stealth Pop-Tarts were left at the newspaper office in a brown paper bag.

The attached note read: “Here is a Terry-approved breakfast option. I advise that you store it toward the back of your pantry, but if she should find it, you can blame it on a factory error.”

I peeked inside the bag. It contained a rounded cardboard canister. Oatmeal. A sensible and responsible breakfast.

What a mean thing to do!

But when I pried open the lid …

Pop-Tarts! Frosted strawberry, hot fudge sundae, cinnamon roll and chocolate chip cookie dough Pop-Tarts!

Last week in this space, I bemoaned the fact that my wife, Terry, espouses the silly notion that I should eschew the sugary goodness of Pop-Tarts and eat like a grownup.

Reader Mary Ann Hudzik of Mineral Ridge sent “a practical solution to the dilemma you described” — a secret hiding place for my Pop-Tarts stash. Mary Ann saved breakfast!

Another gem from the mail bag this past week came from Miss Marcie, the 78-year-old “Minister of Humor” from Niles who says she is rebooting her Joke Project.

“The effects of this terrible COVID-19 must have stirred something in me and so many people started coming to mind, along with the struggles they are going through,” Miss Marcie writes. “This past project seemed to be needed, especially at this time.”

To brighten my day, Miss Marcie mailed a half-dozen typed pages of gags, groaners and one-liners. Among them:

“What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop? Getting the scoop.”

“How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? Get a news anchor.”

“Yesterday, I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently, newspapers are ‘old school.’ She was right. The fly didn’t stand a chance.”

“My housekeeping style is best described as, ‘There appears to have been a struggle.'”

“There’s dust on my can of Pledge.”

I also found an envelope from Patty Gordulic of Canfield. Under the heading “A Washington, D.C., airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble,” the pages included these stories:

“I had a New York senator ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near a window.”

“An Illinois congresswoman … needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went really fast and she bought that.”

“A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. … He said, ‘I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.'”

“A senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'”

Sometimes, a snort, chuckle or guffaw can be shared for the cost of a postage stamp.

— Send smiles to burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonWCole on Twitter.

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