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Let the great philosophers of the ages help us through this

Burt's Eye View

Burton Cole

I’m fed up to the tippy-top of my mask (which I don’t wear because, you know, no place to go) with people ranting dire directions and worrisome warnings at me.

I need wisdom — mixed thoroughly with wit and whimsy. I need insights from the great philosophers of the ages, such as Groucho Marx, who once said, “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

Pull on your purple latex gloves and leaf with me (at a socially proper distance) through our book of silly quotes. You’ll feel better for having done so.

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

— Dave Barry

“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ — FORMER friends of mine.”

— Anna Kendrick

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

— Anonymous

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

“Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.”

— Anonymous

“Organized persons are too lazy to look for things.”

— Kerri Nelson

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

— Will Ferrell

“I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.”

— Dan Burt

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the No. 1 fear of the average person. No. 2 was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.'”

— Steven Wright

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'”

— Anonymous

“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”

— Lessons from the Minivan

“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

— Natalia Skrodzki

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.”

— Robert Frost

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.”

— Bette Midler

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

— Anonymous

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

— Lily Tomlin

“I started the week with a big box of patience. The box is empty now.”

— Anonymous

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”

— Sydney Harris

— Share your favorite non-virus quotes with Cole at burtseyeview @tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or ­@BurtonWCole on Twitter.

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