Cope with crazy coronaquips
Burt's Eye View
Don’t bother busting out of quarantine — everything is shut down. All the toilet paper’s been hoarded, so I hope you found fast-food napkins stashed in your glove box.
Remember the relief when you knew you’d never again have to diagram a sentence or multiply fractions? Yeah, well, you’ve been promoted to homeschool teacher. Good luck.
Welcome to the strange new world of the coronavirus.
It’s serious stuff, this COVID-19 virus. We’re coping the best that we can, including with humor. Here’s a collection of my favorite silliness so far from socially distanced media. Let these coronaquips get you through another few minutes of quarantine.
• Day 1 of working from home — my wife has already filed a harassment complaint with HR.
• Sometimes I wonder if this is because I didn’t forward that message to 10 people.
• Our cleaning lady just called and said she would be working from home and would send us instruction
• Working from home as a bartender is hard because I just keep getting myself hammered.
• Three hours into home schooling and one kid has been suspended for skipping class and the other has already been expelled.
• What if they close the grocery stores? We’ll have to hunt for food. I don’t even know where Doritos live.
• We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.
• Everything is canceled. You know what’s not canceled — laundry. Laundry is never canceled.
• Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
• All those kids learning common core math are about to learn how to carry the one from their new homeschool teachers.
• Introverts arise! Our day has finally come!
• Introverts, please put down your books and check on your extrovert friends. They are not OK.
• In line this morning at the post office, three people came in wearing masks. PANIC! Then they said, “This is a robbery,” and we all calmed down.
• Kaylee’s having a COVID-19-appropriate playdate: Facetime group chat with girls from school.
• In 10 months, we’ll usher in a new generation — the “coronials.” When they turn 13, they’ll be known as “quaranteens.”
• Kenzi just asked me if we’re going to have craft days now that she’s homeschooled. (Kenzi is a college student.)
• In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out.
• That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly!
• Pro tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourself an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, “Cheryl” keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we don’t know what to do about her.
• Day 6 with no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the blue jays 3-1.
• If the coronavirus kills Keith Richards, then I’ll start to worry.
• Remember last week? We thought we were going to have a bad week because of the time change, full moon and Friday the 13th. We didn’t have a clue.
— Send your coronaquips to Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonWCole on Twitter.